Tuesday, July 19, 2016


Republicans were forced to replace signs reading WHITE ELEVATORS at Cleveland's Quicken Loans Arena, the site of the GOP convention.

GOP spokesman Brad Lanes was quick to deny any hint of segregation, telling reporters, "Black delegates are free to take the service elevator of their choice."

In other GOP news, Melania Trump's speech last night plagiarized passages from the one delivered by Michelle Obama at the 2008 Democratic convention.

An aid for Mrs. Trump denied the charges, adding that "Melania and her staff had been working hard on writing a rousing original speech since four score and seven weeks ago."

Mick Jagger, 73, is expecting his eighth child with American ballerina Melanie Hamrick, 29.

Scientists at Oxford quickly announced they were ending their attempts to clone dinosaurs, describing it as "redundant."

In related news, Ronnie Wood, 69, has become the father of twins with his 38 year-old wife.

Asked to comment, bandmate Mick Jagger said, "That's disgusting. I've never had sex with a senior citizen, and neither should Ronnie."

Joshua Lee Long of Penn Township, PA, was arrested for keeping a stolen human brain in a jar. Long admitted to police that he used the embalming fluid inside the jar to soak his marijuana. 

Lee told authorities that he wanted to have at least one brain put to good use.

Los Angeles police are investigating former Playboy playmate Dani Mathers for taking a "bodyshaming" photo of an older woman showering at an L.A. Fitness gym, and posting it on Snapchat.

Meanwhile, police in Penn Township, PA, have asked Mathers to retrieve her brain from Joshua Lee Long's jar.


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