Throop resident Chester Hooten told reporters, "This actually takes all the fun out of setting it on fire ourselves."
"And that's been proven in this race itself," she pointed out. "For the first time in our history, more Americans would rather stick their head in a pile of exploding horseshit than vote for either of the major candidates!"
In related news, Bill Clinton appeared to have fallen asleep during Hillary's acceptance speech.
He later denied the accusation, saying, "I never sleep anywhere near my wife!"
Donald Trump has been cleared by the White House to receive intelligence briefings.
It was initially considered redundant, since Trump's intelligence is already pretty brief.
Ironically, anybody working there would have to be completely fucked.
The parents of Humayan Khanan, an American Muslim soldier killed in action in Iraq, spoke at the Democratic convention last night. In response, columnist Ann Coulter mocked them by tweeting, "You know what this convention really needed? An angry Muslim with a thick accent."
Coulter was immediately rushed to George Washington University Hospital for a heart and soul transplant.
Former reality TV star Paris Hilton, now working as a DJ in Ibiza, says she's
afraid because she's "a famous person who could be a target" for ISIS terrorists.
A quick poll found 100% of respondents saying, "If only."