Wednesday, July 13, 2016

GUNNING FOR GRIGIO

The National Rifle Association has been in the news a lot lately -- mainly because there seems to be a gun-related massacre every time you have to clip your fingernails or change your razor blade. It's gotta be tough belonging to the most reviled organization that doesn't have "Klan" or "Nazi" in its name. 

Ready, aim, drink!
Maybe that's why there's The NRA Wine Club. It sounds like a joke, but so did the NRA when claiming the real problem with Sandy Hook was that none of the teachers carried guns. And look what happened afterwards -- an increase in membership by 8,000 a day. That, friends, is marketing!

Much of the anti-gun side pictures NRA members as Schlitz-swilling, psych meds-abusing yahoos. So knowing that many gun owners drink out of stemware rather than funnels attached to tricked-out trucker hats will probably drive much of the Upper West Side to pour their entire Gew├╝rztraminer collection down their Franke sinks in revulsion.


This is what a spokesman
looks like.
This is what the Plague looks like.
What the Wine Club lacks, however, is the right spokesman. Back in the day, Italian Swiss Colony had the friendly "little old winemaker." The NRA, however, boasts the choleric Wayne LaPierre, who possesses the warmth of a rabid raccoon that hasn't eaten in a week. 

If LaPierre had his way, the NRA would probably want a 28th amendment allowing everybody to drink as much NRA wine as they wanted before driving to the nearest gun range. And he has enough of dead presidents for living congressmen to get it passed.

Still, the NRA can make up for this louse-infested rodent in human form by coming up with wines with catchy-sounding names. 
  • Ricochet Ros├ę
  • Bullseye Burgundy
  • Shotgun Chardonnay
  • Bullet-Piercing Bordeaux
  • Chenin Blanks
Ready, aim, drink! And remember -- the only person who can stop a bad drunk with a gun is a good drunk with a gun. 


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