Wednesday, September 28, 2016


I think it can be safely said that the real winner of the Clinton-Trump set-to at Hofstra University was Howard Stern. There was a time that he was considered a pariah outside of his radio audience. Now his name was spoken in a presidential debate. All Lester Holt had to do was shout "Baba Booey!" and the evening would have been complete.

Trump wonders how much stupider he can look.
Among the pundits, however, Clinton was the champ of round one, while Trump was strictly from Palookaville. Oh, he did OK for the first half hour, some conceded, with a few even mentioning the word "presidential." Yes, the President of the Toledo chapter of the Kiwanis Club after a few rounds of Labatt's. 

"Take me to your leader...
so I can smash him into
atoms and take over your
And Clinton? You know, she's probably pretty smart. I know this because I've had that meme shoved down my throat for longer than I've been married. From the moment her husband finished his first swearing-in, America has been told that Hillary Clinton is going to be president some day, goddammit, so you might as well get freaking used to it, because if you're not, you're a right-wing sexist fascist (and whatever other "-ist" fits the bill). 

I know how you feel, Gary.
Unfortunately, I can't properly operate a voting machine when my arm is twisted, so I'm afraid Gary "I Only Sound Stoned" Johnson is my go-to choice. Those above-mentioned pundits warn outliers like me that I'm throwing my vote away, that third-party candidates never have a chance of winning. 

These are the same people who said Donald Trump had no chance of getting the Republican nomination. Did it ever occur to them that third-parties never have a chance because newsfolks are always telling voters the same thing? That's known as "discouraging the turnout," a phrase I just made up but sounds official. 

But if you're still among the undecideds sticking with the two major candidates, here's a handy comparison chart to help you choose.

                                      CLINTON                        TRUMP
                                Sinus Headache               Migraine
                                Chlamydia                      Syphilis
                                Diarrhea                         Projectile Vomiting
                                Liver Disease                   Lung cancer
                                Undercooked Chicken       Bad Shellfish

If the idea of the two most loathed candidates in the history of presidential politics isn't enough to make you recoil in horror, there was a so-called "trigger warning" placed at an MTV-sponsored political event at Hofstra the day of the debate:

This is the state of America in 2016. To me, "trigger warning" is to prevent me from blowing my brains out.                       

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