BREAKING NEWS: 12/5/16

Disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner, who recently left a rehab clinic for cybersex-addiction treatment, is calling friends in the restaurant business for a job.

Insiders say Weiner is leaning toward a Chinese restaurant since he's famous for his pulled pork.

In related news, Peng Chang-kuei has died at the age of 98. The chef was best known for inventing the famous Chinese dish Gen. Tso's Chicken. 

A half hour later, Chang-Kuei was hungry to die again.

Emma Morano, who recently turned 117, is believed to be the last person alive to have been born in the 1800s. Morano has a daily diet of biscuits and two raw eggs, never touches fruits or vegetables, doesn't get out of bed, hasn't left her house in 20 years, is very deaf and blind, and spends most of her time sleeping. 

Asked what she attributes to living so long, Morano replied, "You call this living?!"

Scientists at McGill University in Canada found that young women who engage in traditional intercourse have an easier time remembering things than their less sexually active counterparts.

Unfortunately, that includes remembering who they had sex with.

Fidel Castro's remains were laid to rest Sunday morning in a private ceremony in Santiago de Cuba, the city where he launched his communist revolution.

In his honor, a 21-gun salute was fired in a jail cell filled with dissidents.

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