BREAKING NEWS: 12/8/16

Plastic-surgery addict socialite Jocelyn Wildenstein, 71, has been accused of attacking the face of boyfriend Lloyd Klein, 49, with scissors, her fingernails, and hot wax.

Wildenstein told police, "Hey, I just wanted him to look more like me."

Pope Francis has banned homosexuals and anyone supporting "gay culture" from becoming Catholic priests.

"However," he added, "pedophiles are still welcome."

Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel dismissed the rape and murder of a German student allegedly committed by a teenage Afghan asylum seeker and the arrest of an Iraqi asylum seeker over sexual assaults on two Chinese students as "isolated incidents".

"And by 'isolated incidents,'" she added, "I mean the only ones in the last 20 minutes."

President-elect Donald Trump has reportedly met with “Apprentice” director Mark Burnett to discuss a reality-TV- style inauguration, complete with a parade down 5th Avenue, at the end of which Trump would take a helicopter ride to Washington,DC.

Trump would then vote the New York Times, CNN, and the Washington Post off America.

A new study has revealed that women who are optimistic are less likely to die from cancer, heart disease, stroke, infection, and several other major causes of death. The positive health effects for the women were shown to last over eight years.

Scientists also noted a 90% uptick in cynicism in women "if it meant I didn't have to be married to my goddamn husband for another eight years."

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