BREAKING NEWS: 1/25/2017

Gwyneth Paltrow told InStyle magazine that ex-husband Chris Martin would "take a bullet for me."

When asked to comment, Martin explained that, like many people, he would be glad to take a bullet and put it in Paltrow's head.

A military airplane and two huge helicopters doing loops over Midtown recently were conducting an “emergency relocation” planning mission in case they needed to extract President-elect Donald Trump during an emergency or attack.

Upon learning the explanation, Mayor Bill de Blasio said that if it were to really happen, they were to be immediately shot down.

After a public backlash for admitting he delayed taking his 10 year-old son with a broken arm to an ER because of "a cost difference," Michigan Rep. Bill Huizenga apologized for using "a poor choice of words."

"What I meant to say was, I'm a goddamn idiot who shouldn't be allowed within five miles of a government job, or, for that matter, human beings in general."

Democratic insiders say there is a 50/50 chance that Hillary Clinton will run for Mayor of New York this year.

In related news, local dating sites noticed an uptick in new accounts under the nickname "Ex-Prez Bill."

John Lennon's one-time mistress May Pang says that the former Beatle believed in extraterrestrials, having been abducted in a UFO when he was a child.

Asked for proof, John told her, "Have you ever heard Yoko Ono sing?"

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