SADDLE SORE

What would you be willing to be arrested for? I'm not talking about the cause, but the possible fallout. 

To put it another way, would you be willing to be the criminal in this headline?

13 pounds of horse genitals concealed in woman's luggage

If I were a smuggler I'd aim a little higher, like an original Van Gogh -- something not only worth the risk, but, if successful, an interesting story to tell on my deathbed. 

But horse genitals? I can tell you right now, I wouldn't want to be within five furlongs of that crime. 

And that was only part of the haul. The rest was just plain  ol' horse meat. Forty-two pounds worth, to be exact, hidden in juice boxes. 

I will never look at a box of Mott's the same way again. 

To wash down it all down, the smuggler -- flying in from Mongolia to Washington -- was thoughtful enough to bring three liters of yak milk, which sounds like a Johnny Carson punchline. 

For your next picnic on the beach

What makes the 13 pounds in question really impressive is that it appears to have been from one horse. 

Damn. I know horses are big, but I didn't know they could be 13 pounds big. Why was Mr. Ed hanging out with Wilbur Post when he could have been stormin' the cotton gin behind the stalls at Santa Anita?

By now, I bet you're wondering why anyone would risk a jail jolt -- not to mention wiseassery from people like me -- for equine genitalia.

Mae West doesn't want to wait for Mr. Ed
to croak.

It probably won't surprise you to learn that, as with leeches, morphine, and marijuana, it all comes down to "medicinal purposes."

That must be a Mongol thing. Never -- and I mean NE-VER -- have I been prescribed horse genitals for anything. More to the point, how did some quack decide that horse genitals were good for what ails you to begin with?

Put yourself in this situation. Your doctor is studying the results of your most recent test. He removes his glasses, takes a breath, and looks at you right in the eye. We've tried everything, he says sorrowfully. The only thing I can recommend now is horse genitals. 

Would your first reaction be, Whatever you say. You're the doctor!

Not likely. I bet the barn you'd whip out your cell phone and call the local board of health. But in Mongolia? Sounds good to me, Doc. Do I take it before or after a meal?

And why a horse? There's plenty of Mongolian wildlife to choose from. I understand skipping the dalmatian pelican, whooper swan, and marbled polecat. Let's visit Wikipedia to examine other possibilities:

Not the ideal choice.

The ibex: They are very agile and hardy, able to climb on bare rock and survive on sparse vegetation. Who would have guessed there would be a strong vegetarian?

The wild boar: Bulky, massively built, with short and relatively thin legs. The trunk is short and massive, while the hindquarters are comparatively underdeveloped. Doesn't sound like someone you'd want to mess with!

The musk deer: Yet another vegetarian, who maintains well-defined territories, and smell good to others of their ilk.  Every woman's dream!

I'm no medicine man. You think horse genitals are the answer, knock yourself out. I only look forward to the warning on the side of the package: Possible side effects include a craving for hay, sleeping while standing up, and winning a trifecta.

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