BREAKING NEWS: 7/14/17

A growing movement among patients and psychiatrists believe that people who hear voices in their heads should have the right to refuse psychoactive drugs, and to listen to what the voices are saying instead.

Stephen Orlac, a patient and spokesman for the group, told reporters, "We believe this to be the best treatment for people like us with this condition. No, it isn't. Yes, it is! No, it isn't, you stupid bastard! Yes, it is, you whiney son of a bitch! No, it isn't, and why don't you just throw yourself off a bridge!"

Researchers at Harvard Medical School and the Wyss Institute for Biologically Inspired Engineering have stored a short video in the DNA of bacteria and then retrieved it. It’s the first time a video has been recorded into living cells.

They next to plan to store the video into Chris Christie's DNA in order to see it in IMAX.

In other science news, researchers at the University of California, San Francisco have found that having sex once a week can slow aging.

In a subsequent poll, an overwhelming number of wives said, "We'll stick with plastic surgery, thank you."

In related news, plastic surgeons at the University of Utah have discovered that breast implants can lessen gunshot wounds by slowing the bullets.

Doctors noticed an immediate upswing in men showing concern about saving the lives of their girlfriends and wives.

When Ashley Murrell banished her husband to sleep in the living room after he spent another 16-hour shift at work, she woke up the following morning to find him dead on the couch.

Local police reported their switchboard overloaded with calls from wives requesting the brand name of the couch.

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