BREAKING NEWS: 9/21/17

In an interview with talk show host Doctor Oz airing on Thursday, Pres. Trump's eldest daughter Ivanka revealed that she suffered from "some level" of postpartum depression after delivering each of her three children.

In related news, a majority of Americans reported suffering from "a lot of levels" of postvotem depression.

In an interview with People magazine, Anthony Bourdain explains why he and his new girlfriend, Asia Argento, are perfect for each other.

"It's very simple," Bourdain said. "She's 20 years younger than me, and I'm rich."

A deaf man holding a metal pipe was shot and killed by Oklahoma police as neighbors yelled to them that he couldn't hear.

In their defense, the police said they couldn't think.

Jeff Mateer, a top lawyer for the state of Texas and recent White House pick for a federal judgeship, has complained transgender teens were "part of Satan's plan", that states shouldn't ban conversion therapy, and that same-sex marriage would lead to polygamy and bestiality and other "disgusting" forms of wedlock.

Other "disgusting" marriages would involve anyone who looked or talked like him.

Russia is criticizing Morgan Freeman for participating in a media campaign attacking the Kremlin for allegedly interfering in the 2016 presidential campaign.

"On the other hand," said a Kremlin spokesman, "nobody sounds better dissing us than Morgan Freeman."

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