BREAKING NEWS: 10/27/17

Political commentator Mark Halperin has been suspended by MSNBC after sexual harassment allegations  dating back 20 years surfaced this week. Due to his behavior, including allegedly rubbing his crotch against younger women who worked for him, he has lost his semi-regular gig on Morning Joe.

Halperin instead will host a new series, Morning Wood.

A new study has found that subway delays are costing New Yorkers an average of $1.2 million a workday in economic gains, not to mention adding to the crowding of stations and trains.

"Being late for work is bad enough," one woman said, "but you really don't want to be standing next to Mark Halperin at rush hour."

In related news, a man described as a nose-picking masturbator is terrorizing passengers on New York's A and E subway lines.

Anyone with information about the suspect is urged to call the Weinstein Company so they can give him his severance check.

The Washington Post reported that the DNC and Hillary Clinton's campaign committee, despite their denials, paid for a Russian-sourced "dossier" on Donald Trump's alleged sexual activities in Moscow.

When asked if she had known what her committee had done, Ms. Clinton replied, "Nyet."

Horace Owiti Opiyo of Kenya underwent surgery to reduce the size of his penis, which, due to an infection, had grown to three feet in length.

When told of the surgery, Kim Kardashian cried, "Why didn't he get in touch with me first?"

                                                **********************************