DOWN FOR THE DISCOUNT

Yup, that image makes me want to
shop there.

Recently, I was speaking to a woman who took offense when a 20-something cashier informed her that he had given her the senior citizen discount. “That's not what you're supposed to do," she explained. “You're supposed to ask if there's a discount I'd like to take advantage of.”

Ahh, “the senior citizen discount” – is there any phrase quite so bittersweet? On one hand, it's always a treat not paying full-price for even a coffee and doughnut. Yet it's also your way of admitting, Yeah, I'm old. Now give me my change, and make it snappy. It's time for my nap.

I remember my first time the same way others do their first kiss, only with much less pleasure.  As I was checking out at the grocery store, the cashier asked me confidentially, “Would you like to apply for the senior discount?”

What the...?! When I walked out of the house that day, I could have sworn I was in my mid-40s. OK, 50. Oh, alright, 53, but not a year more. And yet here I was, accused of the worst crime a person can commit  in our culture: not being young.

Great! What the hell is AirNowHVAC?

I suddenly had to make a split-second decision. To accept  the offer was to admit the terrible truth out loud, like a defendant breaking down under Perry Mason's relentless cross-examination: Yes, yes, I did it – I turned 60! I feared being carried away in handcuffs, sobbing, as Perry's dramatic theme music played in the background.

But saying no was deliberately rejecting the chance to save money every time I spent  at least $30.  And that was the least of it. I would also appear to be either trying to deny reality, or, even worse, looking way older than I claimed to be.

What, those faces aren't valid enough?

There was really no choice.  “Yes,” I replied  wistfully. “How do I sign up?” And so I officially crossed the threshold that can only lead to sensible shoes, early-bird specials, and lights out at 9:00.

Until that moment, it had never occurred to me to ask for the senior discount. After all, everyone who used it was, well, senior. According to my mirror, I didn't qualify.

Apparently, the mirror was lying like a bad rug.  All it took was a trip the supermarket to give me a second, much-needed opinion – the same supermarket where I was once carded when buying a six-pack  in my 30s! How the mighty have fallen (and can't get up).

I pondered what gave the game away. Could it be how my eyelids hang down like awnings outside a two-bit diner? Or the way my neck flails around every time I turn my head? Perhaps it's the sole white hair that sticks out from my thorax through top of my shirt.

Like a new hip?

What I find frustrating is, outside of my local supermarkets, almost none of the senior discounts offered pertain to me. Sure I'd like to get 10% off my next purchase of tires... if I had a car. A free Coke at the nearby fast-food joint? Sounds good! Too bad I don't drink soda. Cheap movie tickets? I'll wait for video-on-demand, thank you.

Now if my neighborhood liquor store gave me a deal – well, now we're talking! Do you know much a decent Cabernet goes for? It's unconscionable! Which, frankly, is how I sometimes feel like getting when I remember how old I am.

So it looks like I'll be sticking with the grocery stores. One of them offers a Tuesday senior discount for every purchase, no sign-up required. The last time I was there, I noticed the woman before me receiving hers without any prompting.

Thanks. I feel so fucking special.

However, when it was my turn, the cashier charged me full price. Again, I had to make a hard choice. Do I inform the young man that, despite what he thinks, I'm over the hill? Or do I bask in my moment of youthful glory?

It was an easy call. All I was buying was a chunk of Parmesan cheese, so it's not like I was breaking the bank. And more to the point, where else am I going to have the chance to turn back the clock for mere pennies?

I kept my mouth shut and plunked down the full $8.95. As I left the store, I congratulated myself for pulling a fast one. Hah! They didn't give me the senior discount – suckers!

But it sure would be nice if any of the plastic surgeons offered me one. That I can use.
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