ALPHABET SLOP

Man oh man, it's getting to the point where you need a scorecard to keep up with the recent rash of sex scandals. But these kinds of things are nothing new. The difference is there was a time when the antics of Harvey, Kevin, Ben, et al would have been covered up by the movie studios; only a relative few actually made the papers, thanks to the machinations of studio heads, their crackerjack p.r. departments, and a willing Los Angeles Police Department.

So to refresh your memory -- and perhaps learn more than you'd care really care to -- here's a handy list of past showbiz sins from A to Z.


ARBUCKLE, ROSCOE "FATTY": The granddaddy of showbiz sex scandals. Accused of the rape and subsequent death of a starlet while at a weekend-long party in 1921. After two hung juries, a third found him not guilty. His career in ruins, Arbuckle's attempted in comeback in 1933 was cut short by his death, age 46. A year later, actor/director Lowell Sherman, who attended the party, was on his deathbed when he told his wife that Arbuckle was indeed guilty of the crime. I knew it!

BERN, PAUL: A producer at MGM, Bern died two months after marrying Jean Harlow. The studio's head of production, Irving Thalberg, wiped the scene of any incriminating evidence; Louis B. Mayer made sure it was reported as "suicide because of impotence" (because why else would someone sleeping with Jean Harlow kill himself?) Days later, Bern's earlier common-law wife committed suicide. In 1990, former studio producer Samuel Marx theorized that it was she who killed Bern.

CHAPLIN, CHARLES: At age 29, married Mildred Harris, 17. At age 35, impregnated and married Lita Grey, age 16. At age 43, started living with Paulette Goddard, 21. (Goddard, no fool she, told Chaplin she was 17.) Finally found happiness at 53 with Oona O'Neil, 18, daughter of Eugene O'Neil (also 53). No wonder Chaplin played The Little Tramp.  (HONARY MENTION: COSTELLO, LOU: An FBI informant reported that Costello had the largest collection of pornography in Hollywood. Hey, Aaaaabot!)

DOUGLAS, KIRK: It wasn't enough that he slept with every woman in Hollywood before and after he got married. He allegedly raped 17 year-old Natalie Wood, too.

EDDY, NELSON: Allegedly knocked up co-star Jeannette MacDonald three times, leading to as many abortions, yet Nelson's wife refused to divorce him.  Louis B. Mayer forced MacDonald to marry gay actor Gene Raymond in order to tamp down the growing rumors about all three actors. Raymond, then on the verge of being washed-up, was rewarded with a seven-year contract. Nelson and MacDonald are said to have continued their affair until her death in 1965. 

FLYNN, ERROL: Lost his virginity at age 12. Installed peepholes and two-way mirrors in his bedrooms and bathrooms to keep tabs on guests. Allegedly did the deed with Tyrone Power and Howard Hughes. Framed for the statutory rape of a 17 year-old cigarette girl working for L.A. mobsters.  Became romantically involved with 15 year-old Beverly Aadland when he was 48. Near the end of his life, claimed to have spent at least 12,000 nights of his life having sex. I'm shocked he lived to 50. (HONORAY MENTION: FREED, ARTHUR: The famous MGM producer exposed himself to 13 year-old Shirley Temple, who merely laughed.)

GRAHAM, GLORIA: The original SMILF. After marrying director Nicholas Ray in 1948, Graham, in her mid-20s, started an affair with Ray's 13 year-old son, Tony. They, in turn, married in 1960. Little Gloria, happy at last!

HOPE, BOB: Despite his public reputation as a happily married man, Hope was a serial adulterer in a major way, well into his 80s, with girlfriends stashed all over Los Angeles. He wasn't going on those USO tours just to entertain the troops -- ever notice those starlets who tagged along?  In the early 1970s, Jayne Meadows overheard Bob tell his wife Dolores that he wanted a divorce. When Dolores agreed only on the condition she get half his money, Hope backed off. With Hope, sex was one thing, but money was quite another.

INCE, THOMAS H.: A prominent movie director, Ince was allegedly murdered by William Randolph Hearst on the latter's yacht in 1924 after mistaking him for Charlie Chaplin. Hearst wasn't a really severe movie critic; he was convinced that Chaplin was having an affair with his mistress, actress Marian Davies. Everyone onboard the yacht that evening denied the shooting ever took place. Chaplin's chauffeur, however, reported seeing Ince bleeding from a bullet wound as he was taken off the yacht on a stretcher.

JOHNSON, VAN: In 1947, when word was ready to break that Van was gay, Louis B. Mayer gave an ultimatum to Keenan Wynn's wife, Eve Abbott: Divorce Keenan, marry Van, and MGM will renew Keenan's contract. Since all three were good friends -- and, more importantly, Keenan wanted to keep working -- they did as they were told. That's what friends are for.

KELLY, GRACE: Despite her "classy" reputation, Kelly tried to make up for her father's lack of attention by sleeping with every older leading man she ever had (and didn't have), from Bing Crosby to James Cagney to  Ray Milland to James Stewart, and beyond. Oh, and Oleg Cassini, too. (I know what you're thinking: a straight fashion designer?)

LAUGHTON, CHARLES: Despite his long, happy marriage to Elsa Lanchester, the elephantine actor was gay. Known to sprinkle young men's defecation on his salads -- but only after washing the lettuce. Gotta stay sanitary, y'know! 

MARX BROTHERS: As Harpo recalled in his autobiography, during their vaudeville days he and his three brothers could share one hooker because she couldn't tell the difference between them in the dark. When one of their hookers got pregnant, none of them knew who was responsible, so they all chipped in to pay for the abortion. Very responsible boys, they were.

NEAL, TOM: A mediocre B-movie leading man, Neal beat fellow actor Franchot Tone into an 18-hour coma over the latter's fiancée, Barbara Payton, in 1951.  Convicted of involuntary manslaughter in the death of his wife in 1965, for which he served six years.

OLIVIER, LAURENCE: In addition his marriages to Vivien Leigh and Joan Plowright, Olivier had a 10-year affair with Danny Kaye. That's a lot of ham. 

PAYTON, BARBARA: A '50s blonde bombshell whose career never quite took off, she became better known for her messy affairs (see NEAL, TOM and HOPE, BOB above). Payton's life spiraled into alcoholism, drug addiction and prostitution. Was paid $1,000 and several cases of wine for her ghostwritten autobiography I Am Not Ashamed in 1963. Died four years later at the age of 39. 

QUINN, ANTHONY: Fathered 13 children by five women, the last time when he was 78. Plenty of men would love to be so scandalous. (Quinn almost ended his first marriage on his wedding night when discovering his wife wasn't a virgin. Well, gee, can you blame him?)

ROMERO, CESAR: While you know him as The Joker on Batman, to his boyfriends he was "Butch". Madly in love with Desi Arnaz, who resisted his advances until finally being worn down and sighing, "Alright, let's get it over with." Romero recalled their one-night stand as "Heaven!" And if you want to know what he allegedly demanded from his boytoys, google "Cesar Romero + orange wedges" to find out  for yourself. Even I have some standards.

STANWYCK, BARBARA: Botched abortion at age 15 prevented her from having children later in life. Physically abused by her first husband, Frank Fay. Had a four-year relationship with Robert Wagner. At the beginning of their affair, Stanwyck was 45, Wagner, 22. Women today would say, You go, Babs! Men would say, Oof.

THOMAS, DANNY: The popular comedian/actor/producer/founder of St. Jude Hospital liked to lie under his glass table to watch young women defecate on it. His Make Room for Daddy co-star Sid Melton confided that Thomas would have his #1 mistress skip the glass table, if you get my drift -- or, as Melton put it, "Feces as appetizer." Whether he got the idea from Charles Laughton or not is unknown.

UNIVERSAL INTERNATIONAL PICTURES: When Confidential magazine threatened to expose Rock Hudson's sexuality in the 1950s, the studio begged them to keep it quiet. In return, the studio gave them the name of one of their other, lesser actors, George Nader, to expose as a gay man. Hudson remembered him in his will -- as he damn well should have!

VELEZ,  LUPE: The "Mexican Spitfire" actress (and onetime-wife of Johnny Weissmuller) was impregnated by her gangster boyfriend. When he refused to marry her, she deliberately took an overdose of sleeping pills.

WAYNE, JOHN: During World War II, received a draft deferment by being a married family man. In reality, he wanted to stay stateside to continue his affair with Marlene Dietrich. What a hero!

X-RATED COVER-UP: At least two hardcore porno movies, Velvet Lips and The Casting Couch, starring a teenaged Joan Crawford were suppressed by Louis B. Mayer when he signed her to MGM in 1925. (Studio "fixer" Eddie Mannix paid $100,000 to destroy one of the negatives.) And while Crawford denied it all, first husband Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. told a biographer that she tearfully admitted the truth to him. They've gotta be more entertaining than Mildred Pierce.

YOUNG, LORETTA: While in Alaska filming The Call of the Wild in 1935, became romantically involved with leading man Clark Gable. Subsequently, Young went on a year-long "vacation", when she "adopted" an "orphaned baby" who grew up to have big ears like a certain mustached movie star. 

ZANUCK, DARRYL F.: The legendary head of 20th Century-Fox was the Harvey Weinstein of his day, only thinner. Every afternoon at 4:00, the studio would shut down for half an hour while Zanuck had his way with yet another starlet. Joan Collins was to have starred in Cleopatra, but refused to sleep with him, even when he told her, "You haven't had anyone till you've had me. I've got the biggest and best and I can go all night." Gee, and he sounds so important.



Now you can relax, and know that the recent batch of scandals is just business as usual. Just be sure, the next time you're dining out at Musso & Frank Grill, to skip the Salad ala Laughton.

   
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