BREAKING NEWS: 11/17/17

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and his wife, British actress Louise Linton, visited the U.S. Mint to see the first sheet of one-dollar bills featuring his signature come off the press.

Ms. Linton later thanked the workers for making "the most comfortable toilet paper I've ever used."

Sylvester Stallone denied charges that he and his bodyguard sexually assaulted a 16 year-old girl in Las Vegas when they allegedly forced her into having oral sex with them. After reporting the alleged incident to the police, she decided not to press charges because Stallone and the bodyguard "would have to beat her head in" if she did.

Stallone told reporters, "We should've sued her for sexual assault since she went down on us!"

Sen Al Franken is apologizing after Los Angeles news anchor Leeann Tweeden says he forcibly groped and kissed her during a USO tour in 2006, and posed for a photo of him fondling her while she was asleep on a military aircraft.

Democrats and Republicans alike are demanding that he also apologize for those stupid Franken & Davis skits on Saturday Night Live.

In the wake of three consecutive resignations in the Ohio State House for "inappropriate conduct", Senate President Larry Obhof has called for "annual sexual harassment training" for all lawmakers.

Spokesmen for the Republican and Democrat lawmakers responded jointly, "What the hell do we need training for? I think we're doing pretty well as it is."

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, only 12% of Americans eat the recommended daily amount of fruits and vegetables.

However, the report added, Americans more than make up for it in fast food, liquor, and Hostess Ding Dongs.

Researchers at University College London say that people over 50 can lower the risk of dementia by exercising regularly.

The problem, however, is that they always forget to do it.

                                                         ****************************