BREAKING NEWS: 11/8/17

In response to last Sunday's church massacre that killed 26 people, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said the only proper response was prayer, "because prayer works."

In response to Ryan, 90% of the American population said, "If prayer worked, we wouldn't keep having these massacres every other week, and instead of Speaker of the House, you'd be the star of a Hee Haw revival, you dumb fuck."

In related news, it was revealed that Devin Kelley, the church shooter, escaped from a mental hospital in 2012.

However, there is no truth to the rumor that he was actually James McCartney.

Author Gay Talese condemned Anthony Rapp for going public with the news that Kevin Spacey molested him when he was 14 years old, adding, "Jesus, suck it up once in a while."

When asked for a comment, Rapp replied, "That's what he said!"

In related news, during a radio interview this week, actor Jon Bernthal recalled that Kevin Spacey "a bit of a bully" on the set of Baby Driver, and said that Spacey "rubbed me the wrong way."

When asked for a comment, Anthony Rapp replied, "Tell me about it!"

Pope Francis urged priests not to use cellphones during Mass, condemning it as "a very ugly thing."

"On the other hand," he added, "have you seen the iPhone X?Total beauty, baby, total beauty!"

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