COURTING TROUBLE

Brett Kavanaugh demonstrates how he greets
women.

Lately, I've taken to parsing remarks from celebrities. Show biz, politics, law --  whatever their profession, if they're worthy of mention, I'm all over their words like Depends on Donald Trump.


The latest person worthy of my microscopic eye is Brett Kavanaugh -- specifically, his response to Christine Blasey Ford, the woman who accused him of an attempted drunken rape while at a high school party in the early '80s. As CBS News reports:

Ford said she believes the alleged incident occurred in 1982, when she was a 15-year-old sophomore at an all-girls school in suburban Maryland. Kavanaugh, who attended an all-boys school, would have been 17. She said she was at a party with other teenagers at a home close to a country club where she spent time during the summer. Ford said Kavanaugh and his friend Mark Judge had been drinking earlier and were very drunk. Ford had one beer at the house, she said.

When she went upstairs to use the bathroom, Ford told the Post that she was pushed into a bedroom. She said Kavanaugh pinned her to the bed and groped her, trying to remove her clothing and a one-piece bathing suit underneath. Judge stood across the room and both of the boys were laughing "maniacally," Ford said. When she tried to scream, she said Kavanaugh held his hand over her mouth.

"I thought he might inadvertently kill me," she told the Post. "He was trying to attack me and remove my clothing."

Eventually, Ford said, Judge jumped on top of them, and she managed to get free and lock herself in a bathroom. After she heard the boys "going down the stairs, hitting the walls," she said she made it downstairs and out the door, but doesn't remember how she got home.

I hate to say he looked the type, but...

Yeesh. That doesn't sound very good, does it? Even when you accept that kids do stupid things that shouldn't necessarily be held against them 35 years later, this alleged incident reeks at the very least of yuch, ewww, and gross. Even if Kavanaugh had never done anything remotely like this again, it might make you think twice about seeing this guy on the Supreme Court. 

Kavanaugh's response to the anonymous accusation was swift: “I categorically and unequivocally deny this allegation. I did not do this back in high school or at any time.” 

Well, that sounds fairly direct, especially when compared to Mark Judge's initial tepid statement: "I have no recollection of that." This kind of thing is why people hate politicians and lawyers. Judge is neither, but does it surprise you that he lives in Washington, D.C.? 

Judge himself must have realized the error of his ways, because the next day, he sounded more human, telling The Weekly Standard, "It's absolutely nuts. I never saw Brett act that way."

You know who else didn't? The 65 women who sent a letter to Senate Judiciary Chairman Chuck Grassley and Dianne Feinstein attesting to Kavanaugh's fine character because they knew him during his high school days. 

Whoa! This guy not only had 65 friends in high school, but they were all girls? Was Axe Spray around in the early '80s? I've never even had 65 friends of either sex over the course of my entire life.

Open the door to your (sigh) mystery date.

Still, judging a person's character isn't an exact science. Take the case of Rodney Alcala, who won an episode of The Dating Game in 1978. Alcala was described as "a successful photographer" by host Jim Lange. However, what the show's vetting process didn't uncover was that Alcala was also in the middle of a cross-country rape and murder spree that took at least 10 lives, including that of a 12 year-old girl. Think of the show's bouncy theme song as you gaze at the photo on the right.  (The woman who picked Alcala backed out of their date at the last minute. Woman's intuition strikes again!)        

There's a difference, of course, between a 15-minute interview conducted by a smitten 20 year-old production assistant who never saw Alcala "act that way", and the word of 65 women. Case closed? For some, yes. But I couldn't help re-reading Kavanaugh's statement. 

"Categorically and unequivocally" drips of legalese (comes with the job, I suppose) which, for me, dampens the second, more direct sentence. So did he do something like it? You know, like maybe the accuser got some of the details wrong? Maybe they didn't turn up the stereo to drown out her protests as she claimed in her original anonymous allegation?

Like this.

I would like to think that if someone made a similar false accusation about me, I would hold a live press conference and say something along the lines of, This is a fucking lie. I never tried to rape a girl. Did I try to feel one up? Yeah, once or twice -- shoot me, I was 18! OK, 25. Did I try to kiss a girl or two in my younger and more vulnerable years? Guilty as charged, brother! But did I attempt to rape a girl? Fuck, no!  Oh, and if this is the kind of thing one has to go through in order to get a job promotion, I'm withdrawing my name right now. God knows what other character-destroying shit can be thrown around about me. And did I say it was a fucking lie? 

Sounds a little more human than I categorically and unequivocally blah blah blah. Especially when spoken in front of a few dozen reporters and TV cameras. And the more literate listeners might appreciate the Great Gatsby reference I snuck in, too.

Kavanaugh should try it. It might reveal a temperament not suited for the highest court in the land, but it sure sounds stronger than being categorically and unequivocally. 

But I would like to know how those 65 friends of Brett had a letter ready to go hours after allegations were made public. They must keep in constant touch -- just in case.

                                                        **********************