BREAKING NEWS: 10/7/2018

As a painting by renegade British artist Banksy sold for $1.4 million at auction, it self-destructed in a shredder hidden in its frame.

Pres. Trump is currently figuring out how to do the same with the Constitution.

Cogent Social Sciences, a website devoted to publishing the works of scientific researchers, discovered that one of its papers, "The Conceptual Penis as Social Construct", was in fact a hoax.

However, many husbands married more than 10 years have confirmed the penis is indeed strictly a concept.

Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdogan has demanded to know the truth regarding the whereabouts of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Rumors have it that Khashoggi was killed and dismembered inside the Saudi consulate in Istanbul last Tuesday.

Erdogan added, "If this is true, it is an outrage. Only I'm allowed to kill journalists in this country."

In California, one condemned inmate killed another on San Quentin's death row, the first such event in over 20 years.

Asked how such an event could happen, a prison spokesman said, "Uh, hello! Death row, remember?"

After a bitter nationwide debate, the Senate voted to confirm Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court.

After Pres. Trump called with his congratulations, Kavanaugh hugged his family, gave thanks to God, and proceeded to get totally shitfaced before throwing up in somebody else's car.





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