HOSTLY DUTIES

Brando and Hope fight it out. The loser
has to host the show.

It says something about the times we live in that what used to be two of the nation's most desired positions -- Chief of Staff and Academy Awards Host -- now fall in the category of "Jobs Americans Won't Do."

Describing those gigs as "thankless" is like referring to Mohammed Bin Salman as "touchy". And while the jobs seem to be completely different, they're more similar than you might think. First, as the l'affaire Kevin Hart proved once again, the Oscars are more politics than show biz, while Donald Trump is nothing but the Host-in-Chief of a particularly gruesome reality show. 

Eisenhower's Chief of Staff
performing his most important duty.

Second, the jobs were afterthoughts. The first Oscar ceremony (lasting 15 minutes) was held in 1929, over 40 years after the first motion picture was made, while the designation "White House Chief of Staff" came into being under Pres. Eisenhower in 1953. 

So somehow Abe Lincoln could run the Civil War without a maître d' outside the Oval Office, yet the job has now become as important as Secretary of State or Executive Chef. Hell, give it to a competent receptionist. And isn't that all the job really is?

As for the Oscars -- they were created not to honor quality in motion pictures, but as a publicity gimmick to stave off unionization in the industry. That worked out real well. 




So when you come right down to it, neither position can be considered salient to the overall running of either the movie business or the government. And if you don't believe me -- can you name the last three people who held the jobs? (For that matter, can you name any of last year's Oscar winners?)

"And in his role as Gotham Gazette Photographer..."

But the elimination of either position is as likely as the creation of a "Best Performance by an Extra" category. However, if it did happen, I think we know the name of one certain nominee. 

Therefore, a little out of box thinking is necessary. Considering that the main functions of host and Chief of Staff are essentially the same -- pleasing the boss and knowing when to get people on and off the stage (or in and out of the Oval Office) -- why don't the guys just switch jobs?

While I've never seen Kevin Hart's stand-up or his movies, I do know that he's got almost 35 million followers on Twitter. So combine Hart's numbers with Donald Trump's 56 million, you've got an audience unparalleled in White House and show biz history. 

Kevin Hart realizes what homophobic
comments often mean about the person
saying them.

Too, both men have made a career out of being politically incorrect -- or, in Hart's case, homophobic. One of his 2009 Tweets -- "How many 'gay' men sweat when they wear dress shirts because real men don't lmao p.s. fag" -- would definitely resonate with many Trump fans, both philosophically and grammatically. 

Or take this one from 2011: "Yo if my son comes home & tries 2 play with my daughters' dollhouse I'm going 2 break it over his head & say in my voice 'stop that's gay'. Yo, you can picture Trump doing the same thing to Barron, right? 

Also, both men have anathema to offering apologies, believing it's always somebody else's fault. Really, Hart and Trump are two sides of the same coin. Hart would know exactly who Trump should and shouldn't see, and would kick asses accordingly. Then they'd make gay jokes.

As for John Kelly hosting the Oscars... just his reactions to the winners' ceaseless blathering would be worth the three hour running time. Finally, an honest m.c.! 

But why stop there? Let Mike Pence switch places with Keanu Reeves -- they operate at the same excitement level. Or New York Mayor Bill de Blasio with Matt LeBlanc -- he knows how to play a doofus. Or Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos with Jennifer Lawrence -- having dropped out of school at age 14, she's equally unqualified. 

Not only will all this be far more entertaining, at least we'd have better looking people in government. And their replacements in show biz would do far less damage to the country. Which is why Donald Trump and Cheeta should switch jobs. Even if they're both overqualified.

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