DIPLOMAS FOR DUMMIES

The perfect combination: a young, stupid, ugly, Southern white woman.

It won't surprise you to learn (or re-learn) that I thoroughly enjoy when wide swaths of people live up to their stereotypes, like the young lady on the right. 

Many individuals would give me a mighty blowback for such an admission. But, speaking of admission, I believe those selfsame folks would heartily agree that, when it comes to getting into the best colleges, the game is rigged for -- and you know what I'm going to say -- the elite! 

The kids should have done it the old-fashioned way.

Finally, something that all of us truly agree upon! Rich people suck! Rich people suck! Rah rah rah! And to that, let's add another cheer: Rich kids are stupid! Rich kids are stupid! Sis boom bah!

How stupid? Some parents brought down in the college admissions scamalot had to pay as much as $6,000,000 to get little Buffy or Jared into school. That's a hella stupid right there, bub. Parents with that kind of dough could afford the best tutors in the world, and their kids still couldn't get into a decent school. 

Unfortunately, it didn't work for me.

And if they didn't have six million bucks under the sofa cushion, their conduit -- in this case William "Rick" Singer -- photoshopped the kids' faces onto photos of high school athletes in order to slide into college that much easier. They needed Singer to do it, because the kids were too stupid to do it themselves.

Even a scandal as juicy as this needs some recognizable names to goose it up to headline status, and here's where stereotypes come in handy again. Two of the people arrested, Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin, are what the Fox News viewers describe as Hollywood libtards. Good work, ladies, now even libtards hate you!

Tell me you don't hate her. I dare you.

You know who else does? Your kids, for making all the world learn -- at the risk of repeating myself -- your kids are too fucking stupid to get into the colleges of your (not their) choice. 

Loughlin's little darling, Olivia Jade, made that quite clear when she admitted that she didn't care about getting an education, and was only going to school for the party experience  -- as if just being a rich Hollywood kid didn't provide her with enough of that.

But perhaps it didn't, for Olivia Jade shilled for Amazon Prime on her Twitter account, which has two million followers. You read that right, two million other idiots love, honor and obey a Hollywood rich kid who did nothing to earn an audience, other than being that most important of icons, an "influencer". That means two million other kids are going to cheat their way into college... and use Amazon Prime to ship new furniture to their dorm room.

Macy's just warming up the
jail cell for the little lady.

What I find most fascinating is that Felicity Huffman's husband, William H. Macy, wasn't arrested. There's no official explanation, but I figure it's probably as simple as letting wifey handle their little crime spree while he went to work on his TV series titled, appropriately, Shameless. Now you know why I let my wife handle our business affairs. You never know when the FBI is listening to your calls, and I want to make sure I've got plausible deniability. 

I'm not even sure why these parents risked a jail jolt sending kids to colleges that weren't going to do them any good to begin with. When your greatest achievement being a corporate pitchman, then a higher education is likely superfluous. 

Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin: from TV
stars to Google Image selection for "bribe".

These kids never had any intention of getting into medicine, science, or even professional sports anyway. This was all about the parents, who believed that a diploma from Yale (where the woman's soccer coach accepted $400,000 in bribes) USC (an administrator and water polo coach received over $1,500,000 in total), or the University of Texas (a paltry $100,000 for the tennis coach) would pave the road even smoother for their little bastards than it already was. 

Nice work! Now your kids risk being tossed out of school on their rich little asses. Which is maybe what the kids really want.

My daughter got into college on the strength of her grades, personality, and extracurricular activities. She graduated four years later with an A-average -- no cheating required. She and her lifetime friends want to change the world, not by being models or showbiz figures with famous last names, but by doing good things for others, whether it's through politics, environmental care, or making sure people have access to fresh, nutritious food. If only they were considered influencers. 

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