UNDER COVID, PT. 29: AN OPEN AND/OR SHUT CASE

Good lord, man! Who would want to shop there during COVID hours?

As Phase Three of New York's re-entry into "normality" begins, the city that earlier felt half-completed is now one that's half-open. You can go shopping -- but, for many stores, no further than the entrance. You can get your hair cut -- but only with one other customer in your company, and he's on the opposite side of the room. You can go grocery shopping -- but you have to wait on line until customers inside leave. And now in 90-degree weather!

The next trend in automotive extras.

Not even mass transit is immune to "is it or isn't it open?" Because bus drivers are now separated from passengers by a barrier inside the vehicle, you have to enter through the rear door, away from the fare box. If you're taking the express bus, you still have to pay via the machine at the stop. But if you're on the local, that means your ride is FREE FREE FREE! The MTA might be running at a deficit, but at least you've got some happy passengers.

Now maybe some of this is the similar where you live. And maybe, like New Yorkers, you've adjusted, remembering what it was like during early spring, when the sense of fear among your fellow citizens was palpable. Pedestrians either stayed ten feet behind you or scurried past as if being chased by an invisible stalker (which was the case).

Of course, it would help if the string didn't break
after one use.

Now, everybody calmly strolls down the street as in the P.C. (pre-COVID) days. Only we're all wearing masks, as if it were a perfectly normal item of clothing, like pants. These days, they're probably more important.

The city employees handing out masks gratis four at a time in every park have certainly helped popularize the style. And if my wife and I are out together, that's a total of eight right there and then. If it keeps up like this for the rest of the summer, by September we'll have enough to charge people for ours.

Room for two more!

Television and movie production has been given the OK to start, but under strict legal guidance (which can be found in this five page pamphlet). One of the new rules is that there are to be no more than 100 people on the set at any time. When shooting on location, the number drops to ten. No problem... if they were still making silent movies with natural lighting.

New COVID-inspired guidelines for location work are not only strict, but inexplicable. For instance, actors are not allowed to be dressed in police uniform, which should be mighty tricky for the dozen or so cop shows that film here. As someone who's worked on location countless times, I can say without hesitation that shooting will be virtually impossible. On the other hand, if you've ever been prevented from walking down a street because of filming, you'll find the COVID restrictions quite welcome.

A Parisian bistro, it ain't.

The closest return to normality is the half-opening of restaurants. While inside dining has been put off for at least a few more weeks, chowing down al fresco appears to be a success. People are so desperate to get out of the house that they're willing to sit at tables not only on sidewalks but in parking spaces inches from traffic. A romantic glass of Champagne with your loved one while a line of fire trucks roars by? Right this way.

So now in addition to dodging pedestrians in order to stay six feet apart, we have to make our way through people eating seafood linguine or carne asada tacos. And please watch out for the waitstaff! All of it is fodder for new lyrics to an old show tune.

I have often walked down these streets before
But Phase Three has turned it into such a freakin' chore
All the tables there
With a dozen chairs
As I walk on the street where you eat.

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