DE-STINK QUALITIES

How people got their vital psych
information before the internet.

Clickbait articles offering "psychological analysis" regarding everyday tasks are always fun to read. Not because they offer genuine insight, but for their utter inanity. If the people who wrote these things were actually practicing doctors, they'd have had their licenses pulled before graduation.

None of these pieces really tell you anything you weren't already aware of. Here's How You Know Someone Doesn't Care About You. Here's Why You're Attracted to Certain People. How You Answer Your Emails Says Alot About You. Brother, if you haven't figured these things out on your own by now, you're beyond psychiatric evaluation and are ready to return to seventh grade.

You know these quacks are running out of ideas when they affirm that using a shopping list is a sign of dementia. That must have gotten plenty of hits, because now someone named Lachlan Brown promises IF YOU STILL WRITE SHOPPING LISTS INSTEAD OF USING YOUR PHONE, PSYCHOLOGY SAYS YOU HAVE THESE 7 DISTINCT QUALITIES. 

How desperate are people for reassurances of self-worth that they need a pat on the back for writing a shopping list? Here's what they discovered about themselves, with a second opinion from Dr. Fisheye.

1) You're naturally conscientious and love feeling on top of things. Yeah, OK, but I write shopping lists because we have to go through those pads of paper that charities keep sending us to guilt-trip us into making a contribution. (Hasn't worked yet. HAH!)

2) Your memory gets a bonus workout. If I wanted to give my memory a bonus workout, I'd try to remember what I was shopping for.

3) You protect your focus from digital distractions. So why do I have my Android in my pocket when shopping? To distract myself when I'm on the check-out line (and to see if anyone responded to my latest Reddit opinion).

4) You shop with intention -- and often spend less. Yeah, shop with intention to keep from going hungry. As for spending less -- when was the last time this guy went shopping? 

5) You crave tactile engagement (and your brain thanks you). I get more tactile engagement satisfaction from popping bubble wrap. And the only thing my brain thanks me for is getting caffeine into my system every morning. It sure isn't from reading useless crap like Lachlan Brown has to offer.

6) You use cognitive offloading to lower stress. I can't answer to that because I have no idea what the hell he's talking about.

7) You have a healthy streak of nostalgia (and that's good for you). Sorry, Lach, TCM and YouTube feed my nostalgia (and wife's neuralgia). 

You'd be laughing, too,
if you made a living
scamming the public.

If you want other crumbs of wisdom from this Lachlan Brown muttonhead, you can visit his site to purchase his self-published books (where the images feature an A.I.-generated paperweight engraved with the words BEST SELLER). The reviews read like they were all written by the same person who, I'm betting, has the initials L.B. The best part is that his site is called Hack Spirit, which would make a for a good article called ONE SIGN YOU'VE MADE A FREUDIAN SLIP.

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