HEDGEFUNDING OUR BETS

It takes five strong men with guns and clubs
to protect themselves from one unarmed
protestor.

 As we continue to live in a country ruled by a president whose spirit creature is the wendigo, a Republican party increasingly comfortable with the idea of Fourth Reich on its home turf, and a Los Angeles Police Department missing the good ol' days of Rodney King-style justice, let us return to the calmer climes of New York politics where the mayoral race has entered its latest lap.

I don't know these people six out of nine ways
from Sunday.

Nine Democrats -- two-thirds of whom fall in the category of Who the hell is that? --
took part, including the now obligatory hedge fund manager. His appearance answered the question "How do you tell a Republican skeezeball from his Democrat counterpart?" Answer: the latter brags about arriving to the debate on a bicycle. No joke.

Yabba-dabba-dope.

To give you an idea of just how serious some of these folks were, one of them, Jesscia Ramos, dropped out within hours of the debate and threw her utterly worthless support behind Andrew "I Am Not A Sex Pest" Cuomo. Ramos' move was that of a pro -- as in "quid pro quo" regarding a job in the next likely mayoral administration. Meanwhile, candidate Scott Stringer, a mainstay in New York politics since a subway ride cost 90 cents, continues to show his desperation for any political power higher than Comptroller, even as he's better suited to cosplaying Barney Rubble.

This left Cuomo and Zohran Mamdani to do the heavy-lifting in terms of one-on-one political attacks, cutting off each other, and all-around yelling exercises. I have a feeling, though, that Cuomo's ire against his main opponent is strictly personal, seeing that Mamdani is getting far more traction than expected -- so much so that even my laptop tells me when I've misspelled his name. 

It was no surprise, then, we received a piece of mail from the Cuomo campaign 48 hours later explaining the differences between him and his pesky rival. Right off the bat, the flyer wants us to "get to know the candidates" via their clothes. Cuomo: rough & tumble ordinary joe. Mamdani: a RISK (in a color font similar to his skin) wearing a shirt from The Muslim Men's Wearhouse. 

Gee, what do you suppose they're trying to get across? Especially since it's really easy to find photos of him in the dull pinstriped suit he's been sporting for months. Hey, he even showed up to the debate in one! Way to tell the voters what kind of person Mamdani really is! 

Forget about reading where the two guys stand on the issues, because you know already. (Although it's worth noting that the Cuomo list has a shiny, friendly white background while Mamdani's is darker and -- well, is it safe to say more threatening to the easily-threatened?). So it's best to go with the people who paid for the flyer, Fix The City, Inc. The little print reminds us that Fix The City, Inc. has no connection to any campaign (wink wink!), but it's good to take a closer look --like with a microscope -- at the names behind it. 

Yeah, deliver Gracie Mansion to Cuomo.

The first is DoorDash, the food delivery service that makes you think of struggling working-class folks, but is actually run by three Chinese-American billionaires. (I emphasize their nationality because they emphasize Mamdani's.) That trio of miscreants have helped to create headlines like DoorDash Accused of Purposely Misleading its Customers; Canada's Antitrust Watchdogs Sue DoorDash Over Prices, Discounts; and DoorDash, GrubHub, Uber Eats Settle With New York City Over Minium Wages, Fee Caps. Yup, it's the old story of billionaires who can't afford to pay minimum wage to their workers. Sad!

The other two names behind Fix The City, Inc. are John Fish and Matthew Hulsizer. Both are -- well, whaddaya know! -- billionaire hedge fund managers. Gee, I wonder in whose favor Fix The City, Inc. wants to have the city fixed for? C'mon, Andrew, it's time to replace that blue collar jacket with a blonde Trump wig.

Oh, and a helpful hint to Mamdani: Fix the City, Inc. lifted that photo of you from your own campaign website. It wouldn't hurt to replace it with one in a dull pinstriped suit. Gotta play the game, y'know. Look how far it's gotten Andrew Cuomo.

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