BREAKING NEWS: MORAL EQUIVALENCY EDITION

President Barack Obama on Thursday condemned those who seek to use religion as a rationale for carrying out violence around the world, declaring that "no god condones terror." The president added, "Unless we get on our high horse and think that this is unique to some other place, remember that during the Crusades and Inquisition, people committed terrible deeds in the name of Christ."

"And while we're on the subject," Mr. Obama said, "You know how the Brits love their royal family? Well, back in the 16th century, Henry VIII thought it was cool to kill one of his wives. And then there's Romania. They probably want us to protect them from a possible Russian invasion. But let's not forget that when Vlad the Impaler was running the show 700 years ago, he was also running stakes through people he didn't agree with. And unlike what a certain cartoon show would have you believe, cavemen weren't riding around in foot-powered cars and eating brontoburgers after a day at the rock quarry. Those dudes were clubbing each other and dragging their wives around by the hair. So let's not pretend we're any different from today's extremists, OK?"

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