NO EXPERIENCE REQUIRED

While some employers are cutting back on hiring, at least one just can't seem to keep workers to save their lives. Literally. The London Daily Mail reports:

The Islamic State is experiencing a shortage of suicide bombers after dozens of fighters deserted the terror group or defected to rival militias.

"I want YOU... to blow yourself up so I don't have to."

Reports from inside the ISIS-stronghold of Raqqa claim that a rebellion among a 'martyrs battalion' is a severe blow to the ISIS leadership who recruit foreign fighters for their suicide operations.

The news comes after ISIS was forced to admit defeat in the key battle for the northern Syrian town of Kobane, where it deployed many suicide bombers in what turned out to be a lost cause. 

 
Man, isn't that typical of kids these days? You have one down quarter and, bam, they quit to join a rival team. No loyalty anymore. If ISIS wants to recruit more people, they're going to have to make some changes before they hang out a sign reading  مطلوب مساعدة (that's HELP WANTED for you Allah-hating Americans who will soon be swimming in your own blood).

"How did I get involved with them?"

First of all, they've got to decide on a name. ISIL, ISIS, IS, Islamic State -- sheesh, every month it's something new!  To make things more confusing, some European news outlets have taken to calling it Daesh, the acronym for the translation of "Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant." You're never going to keep customers, let alone a staff, if nobody knows who you are.

The solution is easier than a camel in heat. Find a name and stick with it. Example: Everybody knows what Charleston Chews are because they've been Charleston Chews since 1922. They didn't become Charlotte Confits, then Jacksonville Jawbreakers, before switching to Beaufort Bonbons. They're Charleston f'in' Chews. Deal with it.

Another thing. Every time I turn on the TV, you guys are destroying a village or killing another hostage. Weekends, holidays, morning, noon and night, it's work work work. 

Or maybe start an after-work dance troupe.

Now I get that you have a lot on your plate these days, but there's nothing like an occasional R&R (and I don't mean rampage and revolution). For instance, did it ever occur to you that your workers might need a little change of scenery? You know, for the rest of the world, sand eventually leads to an ocean in which to swim. A few dips in Neptune's back yard is enough to rejuvenate a nihilist faster than you can say "Death to the West!"

And in case you haven't figured it out by now, there's not much of a future in blowing yourself up to get a promotion, so you might as well use the felafel-on-a-stick approach. Like a 401(k). Each year your recruits stay with you, contribute an extra 10 virgins to the allotted 72 they're going to get after they go blooey. And it's not like you're losing on the deal. Your workers are going to be so psyched, they won't even realize they're not going to survive long enough to see any profit. It's worked for Walmart.

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