Tuesday, March 31, 2015


Reuters is reporting that Cablevision is planning to make an offer for the New York Daily News as early as this week, valuing the troubled tabloid at just $1. Cablevision is also the owner of Madison Square Garden and the New York Knicks.

James Dolan, president of Cablevision, told reporters, "We're going to run the Daily News like we do the Knicks and Cablevision. First, we're going to pay top dollar for second-rate talent. Then, in order to cover our costs, we're going to raise the price of the News on a regular basis, while giving our customers increasingly poor journalism."

Taking a moment to wipe the spittle of from his capped teeth, Dolan boasted, "As you know, the Knicks just lost their 60th game of the season. They are, in fact, the worst Knicks team ever. Cablevision is routinely considered the most-hated company in the U.S., with the worst service providers. We figure ourselves to be a perfect match for the Daily News, which is currently losing $30-million a year. With just a one-dollar investment, we'll have newspaper fans just as angry and frustrated as their sports and TV brethren. What's the use of running a business if you don't get a reaction from your customers?"


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