Monday, May 4, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: FLOYD MAYWEATHER, JR. EDITION

Floyd Mayweather Jr. won a unanimous decision Saturday night over Manny Pacquiao in Las Vegas, remaining the welterweight champ, and earning $180-million in the process.

Talking to reporters after the match, Mayweather was unusually humble, paying tribute to those who helped him along the way. "First of all," he said, "I'd like to thank Melissa Brim, who I practiced a left to the jaw on more than once. And I did that in front of our daughter, so it was cool for her to get kind of a ringside seat. Then there was Karra Blackburn -- she got a wack punch to the head. And, oh yeah, Hernetha McGill -- another one who got in the jaw real good. And I can't forget another lady friend, C.J. Jackson. She got a goddamn concussion when I let her have it in the back of the skull, and kicked her when she was on the floor trying to protect herself. Damn, I threatened to kill the bitch!"

Reminded that he was sentenced a 90-day prison term for domestic assault in 2011, Mayweather told a reporter, "But you have to remember, I got out after two months for good behavior. So let that be a lesson to the kids watching me: behave yourselves! It pays in the end."

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