ADDYI-OOP!

Other than Mike Huckabee, no man can object to the recent FDA approval of Addyi, otherwise known as "Viagra for women." Mariel Hemingway, on the other hand, told the Huffington Post that female sex enhancers are "so wrong," because how else is she going to get any press these days?

My only problem with Addyi is that it will inevitably lead to  soft-focus, middle-aged fairytale commercials like those for Cialis. Women might think twice about popping Addyi if the commercials were a little more realistic.

FADE IN: A middle-aged suburban Wife arrives home from work.

NARRATOR: Even after all these years, you still enjoy the little things he does.

ANGLE ON: Unshaven middle-aged husband on the couch, drinking beer while laughing hysterically at the Three Stooges on TV.  

ANGLE ON: Wife tilting her head and smiling.

ANGLE ON: Husband noticing Wife. He waves, then offers her a beer from a cooler next to the couch. The Wife nods and walks over.

NARRATOR: And when those unexpected moments arrive, Addyi helps you be ready.

Wife opens the beer, which explodes in her face, making the Husband laugh even more.

CUT TO: Wife tending to her backyard garden.

NARRATOR: Addyi can help you feel more confident in your ability to enjoy those special times.

Wife looks over her shoulder to see Husband asleep on the hammock, drool streaming out of his mouth.

CUT TO: Same couple in a rowboat. Wife is rowing while Husband scrolls through his iPhone.

NARRATOR: Tell your doctor about all your medications you're currently taking, and ask your psychiatrist if you think 30 seconds of unsatisfying intimacy is really worth it. 

CUT TO: Husband and Wife outdoors in a tent. Husband makes crude moves in order to get her in the mood.

NARRATOR: Unlike other sexual enhancement medications, you'll find that Addyi works best with alcohol. Possible side effects include contempt, regret, memories of old boyfriends, and lack of self-respect. 

CUT TO: Husband and Wife strolling arm in arm along a suburban street, while he gets distracted by a Younger Woman in a tight top and short skirt.

NARRATOR: If you experience allergic reactions including a drop in vision or hearing, consider yourself lucky. It can only help Addyi's function. 

CUT TO: Bedroom, evening. Wife enters wearing sexy lingerie, only to find Husband looking though binoculars at the Younger Woman across the street.

NARRATOR: Addyi: For your pleasure, and that of your divorce lawyer.

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If you'd like to read the brilliantly scathing piece I wrote for Next Avenue about sex pill commercials, click here.