ADVISE AND DEPART

The company I used to work for often hired advisors to look things over. Their advice was always, "Get rid of some more employees."

Wouldn't you love to send
these advisors to Iraq?

Yesterday, President Obama announced that he was sending 450 advisors to Iraq. Unlike their civilian counterparts, these advisors sport military uniforms, military haircuts, and military weaponry. Where I come from, those guys are called "soldiers."

I just looked online for the definitions of "advisor." The first is "one who gives advice." Another is "a fortuneteller." The latter, I think, is more appropriate for the military. If you've ever gone to a fortuneteller, you know that they're just as accurate as our military advisors were in Korea, Vietnam, and, oh yes, Iraq.

We could save a lot of lives and money if they just sent me to advise the Iraqi military. In fact, while I'm over there, I'll give advice -- free of charge! -- to the Arab countries as well.

Advice to Iraqi military: The command is "forward march," not "cut and run." 

Advice to all the Arab countries: 1) Buy a new calendar. This is not 1250 anymore. Try getting all those sects together and smoking a joint while chilling out to Dark Side of the Moon. You'll be shocked to see how much you have in common.

2) When it comes to defeating ISIS, well, those billions of dollars' worth of killing machines we've been selling you for decades aren't just for military parades, you know.

3) The USA is now the world's largest producer of energy, so learn how to drink all that oil you want to sell us.

I would then give the US government the same advice my former employer received: Get rid of people. Like, all our "advisors" and troops from Iraq.

I'm ready to do my duty, Mr. President. Just load me up with water, an iPad with unlimited data usage, and sunblock with the highest SUV you can find. And if you could smuggle in a case of Brooklyn Summer Ale for me, I'd be much obliged.

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