Monday, June 15, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: 6/15/15




Campaign spokesman Brad Lanes said that the location was chosen "because President Roosevelt's policies strike a cord with Hillary, especially those concerning screwing around behind his wife's back while in office."




Locals initially thought Kim Kardashain was doing a print campaign for Swatch.






"After all," Scholten pointed out, "Hitler was a far better speaker."




Cheerleader captain Carmelita Lindsay defended her team, telling reporters, "We were just paying tribute to the German police force."
  


Mitchell had initially agreed to the plan because she didn't want to commit adultery.





An amendment included in the 2016 Defense spending bill prohibits civilian workers and military personnel from using government credit cards for expenses related to “entertainment that includes topless or nude entertainers or participants.”

Government spokesman Barry Shubunka added, "If they want to spend money on whores, there's plenty of presidential candidates around."


CNN anchor Fredricka Whitfield drew criticism for referring to the man who shot up a Dallas police station as "very courageous and brave" before admitting the following day that she "misspoke." 

"What I meant to say," she added, "was that he had cojones the size of casaba melons."


Presumptive Republican presidential candidate Scott Walker has proposed that anyone receiving government assistance should undergo drug-testing first.

"This does not include big banks," Walker added. "Otherwise, the entire financial system would collapse."





Despite NAACP chapter president Rachel Dolezal being outed as white, MSNBC host Melissa Harris-Perry believes that she could still be black.

In related news, despite Melissa Harris-Perry being outed as a nincompoop, MSNBC president Phil Griffin believes that she could still be taken seriously.

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