BREAKING NEWS: 6/15/15

Hillary Rodham Clinton officially kicked off her presidential campaign with a rally on New York's Roosevelt Island.

Campaign spokesman Brad Lanes said that the location was chosen "because President Roosevelt's policies strike a chord with Hillary, especially those concerning screwing around behind his wife's back while in office."

A hippopotamus was seen wandering the streets of Tbilisi, the capital of the Eurasian country of Georgia, as floods destroyed cages at the local zoo.

Locals initially thought Kim Kardashain was doing a print campaign for Swatch.

Police spokesman Robert Scholten admitted being "shocked and disappointed" when two German cops played a speech given by Nazi propaganda chief Joseph Goebbels over their radios as they guarded last weekend's G7 summit.

"After all," Scholten pointed out, "Hitler was a far better speaker."

Cheerleaders in Mexico drew criticism for a routine in which they displayed flags with swastikas and dressed in pseudo-military outfits. One girl also appeared to toss a Nazi salute.

Cheerleader captain Carmelita Lindsay defended her team, telling reporters, "We were just paying tribute to the German police force."

  

Joyce Mitchell, the prison employee who admitted helping to two convicted killers escape from Clinton Correctional Facility, has told authorities that their plan included killing her husband before fleeing to a Vermont cabin.

Mitchell had initially agreed to the plan because she didn't want to commit adultery.

An amendment included in the 2016 Defense spending bill prohibits civilian workers and military personnel from using government credit cards for expenses related to “entertainment that includes topless or nude entertainers or participants.”

Government spokesman Barry Shubunka added, "If they want to spend money on whores, there's plenty of presidential candidates around."

CNN anchor Fredricka Whitfield drew criticism for referring to the man who shot up a Dallas police station as "very courageous and brave" before admitting the following day that she "misspoke." 

"What I meant to say," she added, "was that he had cojones the size of casaba melons."

Presumptive Republican presidential candidate Scott Walker has proposed that anyone receiving government assistance should undergo drug-testing first.

"This does not include big banks," Walker added. "Otherwise, the entire financial system would collapse."





Despite NAACP chapter president Rachel Dolezal being outed as white, MSNBC host Melissa Harris-Perry believes that she could still be black.

In related news, despite Melissa Harris-Perry being outed as a nincompoop, MSNBC president Phil Griffin believes that she could still be taken seriously.

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