BREAKING NEWS: 6/2/15

The American government paid $20.2 million in Social Security benefits to more than 130 United States residents linked to Nazi atrocities over the course of more than a half-century, with some of the payments made as recently as this year.

When asked how Social Security employees could do such a despicable thing, spokesman Tom Townsend replied, "We were only following orders."

Sharon Stone claims her love life is non-existent because men 'run away' when they meet her. The 57-year-old actress believes her bad luck stems from her sex symbol reputation, which puts people off approaching her.

One hundred percent of the men queried about Ms. Stone's theory said, "We actually don't want to date anyone who reminds us of the crackwhore on our block."

Homeland Security officials confirmed that TSA screeners failed 67 out of 70 tests carried out by special Department of Homeland Security investigators. Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson said, "The numbers in these reports never look good out of context."

"What the report doesn't tell you," Johnson said, "is that screeners caught a 10 year-old with a penknife, a grandmother smuggling a bottle of Geritol, and a crippled former skier with leg braces. So it's not like we're missing everybody."

Senior clerics fighting for the Islamic State in Syria and Iraq have issued a diktat banning pigeon breeding as they claim the sight of the birds' genitals as they fly overhead is offensive to Islam.

 

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi added, "What really bugs me is that they're better hung than any of us."

 

Google has admitted that African-Americans make up only 2% of its workforce, and that the rest is made up almost entirely of white and Asian men.

Asked why its workforce is lopsided, spokesman Brad Lanes said, "I guess women and blacks actually have the opportunity to get laid once in a while."   

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