THE QUANTUM SOLUTION

When you absorb as much news as I do, you start to believe that the world is fast coming to an end. Then there are others who refuse to give in to this kind of thinking. My wife, God bless her, believes we're just more aware of what's going on; that if you pull away, you'll have a different point of view. My response has always been a confident "Hah!"

It turns out, however, that she may be on to something. Scientists in Australia claim to have proven the theory behind quantum physics. Or as the headline in the Daily Mail states:

                                Your Entire Life Is An ILLUSION

And they don't mean illusion like somebody from the New York Times is going hire me to write a weekly column on the basis of this blog. I'm talking ILLUSION. As the sub-headline says, New Test Backs Up the Theory that the World Doesn't Exist Until We Look at It.

As my aforementioned wife would say, wait a minute, let's think about this. Everyone says we need to walk through life with eyes open. But if the scientists are right -- and when have they ever been wrong? -- that's the worst thing you can do. That's what's gotten us into the mess we find ourselves in today. 

Yes, Rick, especially you.

Consider: the people who say that America created ISIS are correct. Same thing with violent cops, Time-Warner Cable, telemarketers, Walmart, Rick Santorum -- every despicable thing, we are responsible for. Kind of makes you feel guilty for just being alive, doesn't it? 

Possesses a bitterness, leading to a lingering, bad finish.

But before the rest of the world starts feeling all smug, sipping their lattes or munching on their tiramisu and spaetzle, they should remember that they, too, are keeping this international mess up and running just by watching it -- not to mention making a shambles of things themselves. Escargot? Je bien peur que non, monsieur. Pay toilets along the Autobahn? Raus hier. Bars in Northern Italy selling "Hitler Wine"?  Vai a farti fottere, stronzo. 

Yup, this whole damned world has a lot to answer for. Yet we have a simple solution at our fingertips. One that entered public consciousness almost a half-century ago at 45 RPM. Six simple words that offer a final chance at redemption. 

"You're welcome, world."

I didn't quite understand what they meant at the time. Now it's so simple, I slap my forehead in self-contempt. And who else but the Beatles, the Einsteins of pop music, could be responsible?

Living is easy with eyes closed.

Has there ever been a more straightforward solution to what we're living through today? The minute we close our eyes and keep 'em closed, the world as we know it will disappear forever. 

Sure, we're going to have to start breeding seeing-eye dogs like rabbits. And maybe it'll take a few generations 'til we stop bumping into the furniture or falling into open manholes. Nobody ever made a marinara sauce without crushing a few tomatoes. 

But guess what: no more Kardashians. Starting to sound pretty good, right?

And if there is a need for one person to literally keep an eye on things, I humbly volunteer for the job. All the so-called smart guys have turned our globe into the ticking time bomb it's become. Maybe it's time for someone with common sense and compassion for his fellow man.

Trust me. I'll keep the trains running on time. And those re-education camps filled.

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