PSALM 69

That's one way of luring them.

The arrest of former Speaker of the House Denny Hastert once again brings up the leading question of the day: What is it about conservatives and their thing for teenage boys? 

I mean, give liberals credit. Whether it's FDR, JFK, Gary Hart, Bill Clinton or countless others, they get it on the way God intended -- with hot women!

Since these conservatives (and Catholic priests with similar urges) are forever quoting the Bible, it would be refreshing if they simply rewrote certain passages to justify their actions -- starting with the most famous psalm of them all.


The boy is my sheep I shall always want.
I make him lie down in white sheets, I lead him beside quiet internet porn,
I replace his teddy bear.
I lead him through the pages of Grindr for my desire’s sake.
Yeah, though I walk through the valley of flesh, I will fear no cavil,
For he is with me; his rod, his staff -- whatever you want to call it -- it comforts me.
I prepare a table of alcohol and pills in the presents for his birthday.
I anoint his face with my love oil; my chub overflows.
Surely, good sex and splooges will follow me all the nights of my life,
And I will dwell in the clubhouses of the boys forever.

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