BREAKING NEWS 10/30/15

Google Life Sciences is developing wearable sensors that could analyze a person's language for early signs of psychosis, monitor levels of anxiety, or encourage wearers to take clinical tests in order to measure mental health.

Observers, however, believe Google could save money by just finding out what kind of nut would wear such a thing to begin with. 

United Airlines has apologized to a passenger with cerebral palsy for not providing him with a wheelchair at his destination, forcing him to crawl up the aisle to leave the plane. 

United spokesman Brad Lanes added, "In future flights, the passenger will get an aisle seat so he doesn't have to crawl over the person sitting next to him."

Seven female staffers on Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign got themselves locked into a bathroom in their Brooklyn Heights headquarters for nearly half an hour Wednesday.

Political observers were baffled, since they thought it was Jeb Bush's campaign that was in the toilet. 

Realbotix is creating intelligent sex dolls that can communicate realistically with their owners and think for themselves.

When asked about this, 10,000 men surveyed all said, "For Chrissakes, why the hell do you think we're using a sex doll to begin with?"

Justin Bieber abruptly canceled his concert in Oslo on Thursday night after performing just one song.

Concertgoers agreed it was his best show ever.

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