BREAKING NEWS: SAN BERNARDINO MASSACRE EDTION

Gunfire killed 14 people and wounded dozens more at a Christmas party in a San Bernardino, California community services building yesterday.

Asked for opinion, President Barack Obama said, "Look, don't blame me. My hands are damn sore from wringing them every time this happens. Too sore to twist a few arms in Congress to pass some sensible gun legislation. Too sore to write one of those executive orders I'm always turning out. Frankly, I'm just counting the seconds before I get the hell outta here and back to Chicago, so let me just give that 'thoughts and prayers' crap, then you can leave me alone, OK? I've had enough of this job."

Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton tweeted, "Once again, the right wing extremists have taken the law into their own hands. The time has come for us to say enough is enough to the gun lobby." When police later announced that the shooters were a married Muslim couple, Clinton said, "This is not the time to jump to conclusions."

Noting that the facility was also used for treating handicapped children, Donald Trump said at a campaign rally, "If those crippled kids were allowed to carry guns, things would have turned out differently." When told by a reporter that the children were in a completely different area of the complex, Trump supporters beat him up before throwing him out to the street on his ear.

Bernie Sanders told reporters, "I was going to offer my thoughts and prayers, but I don't want to offend any of my atheist supporters. This is not the time to single out any denomination, or non-denomination, if you will. Nor is this the time to talk about my own gun legislation voting record, or non-gun legislation voting record, if you will. So let me think about my comment before dropping it in the mail. By the way, anybody know how much postage is these days? Those 'Forever' stamps confuse me."

Marco Rubio, meanwhile, condemned "the war on Christmas parties," adding, "I was going to offer my thoughts and prayers, but realized that thoughts are for left-wing intellectuals. That's why these shootings keep happening. Too much thinking, not enough praying. We don't need a thinker in the White House. Go to marcorubio.com if you agree with me, and put a check mark next to the picture of the brain with a red line going through it."

Carly Fiorina told reporters, "I saw those videos of the victims trying to crawl for safety. I dare Hillary Clinton, President Obama and the mainstream media to watch those videos." Told that the building was the the only one in the complex without security cameras, Fiorina said, "I know what I saw. It was there in front of my eyes. People crawling. On video. People. Video. My eyes. There."

Democratic presidential candidate Martin O'Malley was going to say something, but remembered that nobody cared.

                          ************