BREAKING NEWS: 1/11/16

A pregnant California woman has filed a claim saying she found a bloody fingertip in a salad at an Applebee's restaurant in Paso Robles, California.

The woman's lawyer, J. Cheever Loophole, told reporters, "This is an outrage. If my client had wanted ladyfingers, she would have ordered one!"

At least week's meeting of the Television Critics Association, ABC Entertainment chief Paul Lee told reporters that he would be "very surprised" if next season's installment of The Bachelorette "isn't diverse."

"And by diverse," Lee added, "I mean casting one person whose IQ is above room temperature."

UFO hunters claim that archaeologists in Austria have found a clay model of an 800 year-old cell phone featuring cuneiform writing carved on the "keys" which was left by aliens.

A press release later explained that it was in fact a phone from Consumer Cellular for its "more mature customers in language they can understand."

Rolling Stone has come under fire for hiring Sean Penn to interview notorious drug supplier Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman Leora, who, until late last week, was on the run from Mexican authorities after breaking out of prison six months ago.

Asked why he chose Penn to interview the world's most wanted criminal, Rolling Stone publisher Jann Wenner explained, "Having been married to Madonna, Penn was used to dealing with a narcissistic, control freak power-hungry maniac who'd kill anybody who stood in their way."

The FBI is investigating the death of an unarmed, African-American pizza delivery man after he was shot 19 times by Chicago police.

Asked for an explanation, Chicago PD spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters, "Next time when we ask for anchovies with extra cheese, goddammit, make it with anchovies with extra cheese!"

                                     
                                                    **********************