Monday, January 11, 2016


The woman's lawyer, J. Cheever Loophole, told reporters, "This is an outrage. If my client had wanted ladyfingers, she would have ordered one!"

"And by diverse," Lee added, "I mean casting one person whose IQ is above room temperature."

A press release later explained that it was in fact a phone from Consumer Cellular for its "more mature customers in language they can understand."

Asked why he chose Penn to interview the world's most wanted criminal, Rolling Stone publisher Jann Wenner explained, "Having been married to Madonna, Penn was used to dealing with a narcissistic, control freak power-hungry maniac who'd kill anybody who stood in their way."

Asked for an explanation, Chicago PD spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters, "Next time when we ask for anchovies with extra cheese, goddammit, make it with anchovies with extra cheese!"


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