"If I wanted this kind of treatment," a spokesman for the deserters said, "I would've gotten married."
A recently-discovered dossier reveals that one of Adolf Hitler's sexual desires was being defecated on by women.
Donald Trump responded by telling reporters, "This is further proof that I'm not like Hitler. I like to be the one shitting all over people!"
At the annual American Chemical Society meeting, researchers said that maple syrup protects brain cells against rogue proteins that destroy the memory, and, thus, could prevent Alzheimer's Disease.
The lecture was delivered by Dr. Jemima.
Ride-sharing company Uber has admitted that its passengers have filed five rape claims and at least 170 sexual assault charges against its drivers.
Uber spokesman Brad Lanes has promised that the passengers' tips will be refunded.
Walt Disney Pictures has announced that a fifth Indiana Jones movie is currently in pre-production, and will be released in 2019, when star Harrison Ford will 76 years old.
The title of the movie will be Indiana Jones and the Temple of Sciatica.