BREAKING NEWS: 4/6/16

The FBI says that businessmen who are friends with Mayor Bill de Blasio bribed cops with money and vacations in exchange for influence.

Mayor de Blasio reacted by telling reporters, "This should prove once and for all that I'm making New York business friendly."

While on The View, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said that she's still deciding what to call her husband Bill if she's elected, adding that "First Gentleman" has already been suggested.

"Ultimately," Clinton said, "I think I'll stick with 'That Adolescent, Two-Timing, Horny Son of a Bitch Redneck Bastard'." 

Democrats Tom Miles and Michael Evans, members of the Mississippi House of Representatives, are proposing a bill that would make the Bible the state book.

"Of course," Miles added, "people here are going to have to learn to read first."

Idaho's Republican Representative Pete Nielsen has said that rape can't lead to pregnancy because it's too traumatic. 

"I don't get it," Nielsen's wife confided to friends. "You have no idea how traumatic consensual sex is with that moron, and we've got five goddamn kids."

Hundreds of protesters took to the streets of Hollywood outside the CNN headquarters to voice their frustration with the lack of coverage of Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders.

Informed of the event, Sanders asked, "What's a CNN?"

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