Tuesday, April 5, 2016


In an interview with Good Morning America, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told George Stephanopolos that unlike Bernie Sanders, she is "a real Democrat."

When asked what separated her from Sanders, Clinton replied, "There are many things. First, unlike my opponent, I have a history of accepting huge donations from Wall Street investment firms and, until recently, for-profit prisons, both of which hurt the middle-class of all races. On the other hand, the Hollywood fatcats who throw money my way employ minorities as butlers and maids."

Clinton continued, "Then as Secretary of State, I successfully urged -- against the advice of the military -- President Obama to invade Libya, creating yet another failed state in the Middle East, which led to the rise of ISIS, not to mention the terrible immigrant crisis we have now. My opponent never had that kind of juice."

As for her record on women's rights, Clinton boasted, "That's something else my opponent lacks. I'm the only one who publicly trashed the women my spouse sexually used and abused. And while my opponent went to the trouble of getting divorced from his first wife, I've been willing to continue my sham of a marriage in order to serve the people of the United States."

Asked about her accomplishments as Senator from New York, Clinton said, " I voted for every military invasion that came down the pike, which, like my record as Secretary of State, also badly affects minorities. And unlike my opponent, I didn't have to start of as Mayor of some piddling New England cow town. I was elected Senator after living in New York for about two hours. My opponent had to run for office several times before he finally won. I did it first time out on nothing more than the strength of my husband's name. Think about that."

When Stephanopolos wanted more details, Hillary replied, "Look, I was willing to backtrack, obfuscate, intimidate and, when necessary, lie about my views in order to position myself to get elected president. I had the DNC in my back pocket so our debates would be aired on the nights nobody was watching." Pointing to Stephanopolos, Clinton cackled, "Shit, nobody remembers that you used to work in the Clinton White House, so they don't see any conflict of interest in this interview!"

Wrapping things up, Clinton said, "Now take all of that in and ask yourself -- what does my opponent have to brag about? A consistent record on all the issues, along with the love and respect of millions of small money donors. Talk about dull. Give me George Clooney's fundraising parties any day!"


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