BEAUTY IS THE BEAST

A year ago, I wrote about how women were going wild over Shabini, the handsomest gorilla in the Higashiyma Zoo. At the time, it seemed like a peculiarly Japanese phenomenon, like babymetal music and girls who want fake snaggle-teeth.

Wrong again. Now it's American women who are falling for a celebrity of another species. And he lives not in L.A. or New York, but the Ozarks, for cripes sakes. Guys, meet your latest competition, Frederik the Great.

You don't have to be a zoophile to exclaim, Holy Trigger! That's one good-looking stallion! And indeed, Frederik the Great is considered by many to be the handsomest horse in the world. 

You're never going to see this beast hauling a harness at Vernon Downs. But lest you think the above photo is an aberration, take a look his left profile.

Frederik has no such thing as "a good side." Every side is good. No, fantastic. And before you compare him to human celebrities who need to undergo hours of primping, Frederik's mane is not only natural, it allegedly changes according to his mood. Who knew horses even had moods? 

It probably comes as no surprise that Freddy has his own Facebook page, where he communicates with his 12,500 fans. Unlike many other celebrities, it's not all selfies and vodka shooters. During last year's floods in the Midwest, he took the time to address those less fortunate:

I'm on high ground and safe but thinking of all my Friends both Human and Animal in the floods of Texas and Oklahoma. Stay Safe signed, Frederik the Great

You see? Frederik is thinking of you. 

And his followers are sure as hell thinking of him, like the lovesick woman who wrote, "There will NEVER be a more majestic, handsome, sexy horse on the face of the earth. Never, ever. I wish I could just touch and 'smell' him just once." 

Men -- have your wives ever said anything like that to you? Hell, Mr. Ed never gave women the vapors, and he could talk! 

Not even my wife was immune to Freddy's charms. I was in the kitchen as she was scrolling down the webpage of his photos. All I could hear emanating from the living room was, "Wow... Wow!...Wow!" That did wonders for my self-esteem.       

                                                                                  

But I remembered that Frederik has the same effect on every woman he crosses bridal paths with -- especially his owner:

The actual caption to this photo reads, My Human says, “This is my second most favorite place in the whole world, my first is on your back”. signed, Frederik the Great

As my wife would say, Wow. I can't imagine what your average filly thinks. And modest guy that he is, Fred's stud fee is only a little over $5,400. Not to be crude, but judging by other comments on his Facebook page, there seem to be more than a few women would happily spend their kid's college fund on a roll in the hay with Freddy-boy

It's bad enough when I compare my looks to the George Clooneys of the world. You know, humans. But when I can't even go toe to hoof with a literal horseface, I know I'm headed for the last round-up. 

Send me out to pasture, boys. Just keep that show-off Frederik Not So Great away from me. I've got a pair of clippers that'll fix his wagon but good. See what the girls think then.

Goddamn show-off son of a bitch Mr. Hair On His Hooves bastard.

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