BREAKING NEWS: 5/20/16

Nike has released its "Dunk Low Premium Edition Starbucks" sneakers, which feature muddy swirls and green accents that bear an uncanny likeness to a Starbucks cup of coffee.

The footwear further mimics the famed coffee by being burned, overpriced, and too goddamn large no matter what size you order.

When the Louisiana State House took up a bill that would raise the legal age of strippers from 18 to 21, Rep. Kenneth Harvard suggested an amendment limiting the strippers' weight to no more than 160 pounds "in keeping with the spirit of trimming the fat."

Another bill would limit the IQ of Louisiana representatives to no less than 85.

Facebook initially refused to take down a video of three men physically assaulting and undressing a woman in a Jamaican dancehall "because it didn't violate our Community Standards."

When asked to explain, Facebook spokesman Brad Lanes said, "The men aren't Republicans."


China has been forced to deny claims that it is marinating dead bodies, canning them and selling them as a meat product in Africa.

A government spokesman said that they were actually sold to North Korea.



A CBS/New York Times poll shows Donald Trump has a favorability rating of 24% with his unfavorable at 57%, while Hillary Clinton is 31% favorable and 52% unfavorable. 

Instead of voting for either of the candidates, 90% of those polled would rather fly Egypt Air, be a volunteer for the Zika virus vaccine, or eat marinated dead bodies from China.

                                                                                                                                               ********************