Monday, May 9, 2016


From the Department of No Kidding:

It helped that he had
a nice weekly paycheck.
The geniuses behind this "new study" must have skipped the first 35 years of their own lives. Leo Durocher may have been talking about the New York Giants when he said that nice guys finish last, but it applies to plenty of males who ever attended high school, college, or real life.

Frankly, looking back, I realize I wouldn't have dated me in high school, either, looking as I did like Erine on My Three Sons. Hell, I wouldn't have been my friend, and I liked the same things as me. But at least by the time I was in my mid-20s, I thought I had polished my act enough to believe I was acceptable to the opposite sex. 

Wrong. I once attended a St. Patrick's Day party where a guy celebrated by snorting heroin in the bathroom. It was up to his sweet, beautiful girlfriend -- who clearly was used to this kind of behavior -- to pick him up every time he fell to the floor. It wasn't long before she was literally dragging him out the door.

I watched through the window as they "walked" home, his rubber legs constantly dropping him to the sidewalk as she gallantly propped him up. If snorting skag was what it took to get a girlfriend like her, I was doomed -- even if the experts would have thought me first in line:

Those are the traits that women are said to be drawn to. Now, anyone who knows me probably wouldn't say my face reflects those things. Yet, during my character modeling days, one ad-man told me I could play a stone-cold killer. And when I tried out for the cover of an album by Staind, the photographer said my test shot made me look like I had just escaped from a mental hospital. Success!

All the girls loved Charlie.
But where did those allegedly-negative traits come from? Well, sir, there's evidence that shows creative people tend to share the same personality traits as psychopaths. Maybe if I had played up that side of my personality earlier in life, I might've scored a little more. It sure worked for aspiring singer/songwriter Charles Manson. (Listen to Manson's demo of one of his own songs, circa 1968. I dare you not to think, Gee, this isn't bad for a lunatic.)

But when it comes to romance, it's not enough to be crazy. Women are more likely to lust after men with criminal records than males. And I am living proof. By the time I met the woman who would become my wife, I had already racked up two parking tickets. Soon after we married, I received two more. We now have a daughter. 

Coincidence? Nope. Hybristophilia. Damn, am I hot.

PS: The only reason I didn't appear on the album cover was because the guys in Staind found a derelict on the Bowery who appeared even more authentically crazy than me. Which just proves the psycho always wins.


No comments: