BREAKING NEWS: 6/3/16

Britain is seeing a rise in the fetish known as plushophilia, where people modify their stuffed animals for sexual purposes.

When asked about the phenomenon, psychiatrist Brad Lanes said, "This is shocking. Until now, I thought the only people who had sex with stuffed animals were married to the Kardashians."



In Goose Creek, SC, James Edward Loftis used the "stand your ground" law as the reason he shot two men before "slow cooking" them in a shallow grave.

"And if that doesn't work," said Loftis' lawyer J. Cheever Loophole, "we're going to go with the 'Crock Pot' defense."

A court in Paris decided it was legal for the owner of a hair salon to refer to one of his employees as a "dirty faggot" because there are so many gay hairdressers.

In related news, a tribunal made of hairdressers ruled that it was legal to refer to judges as "stupid assholes" because there are so many stupid assholes in the judicial system.

Actress and self-styled psychic Megan Fox said that the aborted fetus of Chelsea Handler communicates to the comedienne via her dog Chunk.

Fox added that she couldn't understand why movie studios don't communicate with her as easily.

Researchers at UC Berkeley are developing a machine that can read minds.

They've admitted, however, at having gotten nothing when testing Megan Fox.

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