BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS

Without going into details, I spent a couple of hours inside a small-town church yesterday. Sitting in the pew, I picked up a Bible and opened it to a random page. I've often heard of people doing such a thing and miraculously getting the answer to some burning question that had been on their minds of late. What the heck, I thought. Better than a Magic 8-Ball.

Instead, I found myself  plunged headfirst in the Book of Ezekiel 23, reading about the adventures of sisters  Oholah and Oholibah. (You'd think those names would be awfully confusing to friends and family alike.)

Now, before I go further, I confess that my familiarity with the Bible is limited to the classic stories and quotes. Nor am I church-goer; other than a few obligations (weddings and the like), my visits have been strictly as a tourist. Same thing with any house of worship, by the way. 

My perspective, then, is that of a casual outsider. You know, sermons of God's love, God's will and, for all I know, God's real estate deals. All God, all the time. Sanctity, religion, faith, what have you.

Swing it, sisters!

But Ezekiel 23? Hoo boy! Oholah and Oholibah weren't just good time girls. The word  "whore" and all its variations are tossed around like hacky-sacks. Like, at least two dozen times. Like the writer either had Tourette's, or was really interested in, uh, whores.

You want to read about naked breasts being caressed, or details of sexual acts of two wild sisters across the Middle East? No need to sneak a peek into Penthouse letters to the editor. You've got it all in one slim chapter of the Holy Book.

Many scholars say that the Bible shouldn't be taken as literal truth; that is merely a series of metaphors and myths, all tightly rolled up to explain the inexplicable, the same way Paul Ryan does Donald Trump. However, C.S. Lewis was a confirmed atheist until reading one Biblical passage about a 10 year-old boy trying catch a glimpse of Jesus as He entered town. Because the street was lined with adults for the same reason, the boy had to run behind them and climb a tree to get a look.

Lewis, a scholar of literature, said he had never read such detail in any work of fiction. Thus, he was convinced of the Bible's veracity.

Therefore, being a confirmed cynic, I would say that the author of Ezekiel 23 was a sex maniac who tried to throw people off the scent by appearing holier than thou. He's like today's stridently "family-friendly" politicians or priests who get caught in adulterous affairs with their assistants or hookers.

But whoever he was (and you know it was a guy), gives the game away when writing about Oholibah. Not only does he repeat how handsome her lovers were, there is this eye-opening passage:

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like donkeys, and their emissions like that of stallions. 

Why is this donkey laughing?

Holy sex act, Batman! You know what kind of guy writes a detailed passage of "handsome lovers" like that? The kind who who's really familiar with that sort of thing. Who  feels guilty about it, so he tries throwing people off the stallion-emission-filled scent.

You know why I say that? Because no straight writer outside of porn would dream up such a thing. None.

Oh man, how I would love to hear a Southern fire-and-brimstone preacher read Ezekiel to his congregants, spitting out "whore", "whoring" and "whoredom" before coming to that passage. It would be so shocking that the preacher would yell, "Let me repeat that! Then she lusted after her lovers, whose GENITALS were like DONKEYS, and their EMISSIONS like that of STALLIONS!" Then he'd read it a third time, just to make sure they got the message. Then he'd assure the crowd that Hugh Hefner was going to hell for being a pornographer. 

I'm not casting aspersions strictly on Christianity here. Anyone who's read enough of this blog knows that all religions and their spokesmen are handy targets. So it looks like opening a Bible at random really did spark a thought -- that even in Biblical times, there were hot sisters who were up for a some serious fun. And hypocritical males who were knew more about sexual proclivities than they were willing to admit. Amen, brother!

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