CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO MASS DESTRUCTION

All things considered, I'm a pretty good cook. I wish the same could be said about my housekeeping. The whole business of cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, vacuuming, and doing the laundry bores the heck out of me, so I put as little thought into it as I can. And today was no different.

Last week, I was cooking with turmeric, a spice which should have a warning on each jar

As dangerous as yellowcake. 

reading: WILL HOPELESSLY STAIN EVERYTHING THAT IT COMES IN TOUCH WITH. Being what might be called an energetic cook -- a kind way of saying "messy" -- the turmeric got on the kitchen counter, cabinet doors and apron. 

Removing the stains on the counter and cabinets took some doing, but was eventually a success. The apron, on the other hand, was another case entirely. I figured that the stains would eventually become souvenirs of my kitchen skills. No harm, no foul.

But I didn't take into account that I should have done a better job washing my hands, or rather, fingertips before drying them on my bathroom towel. As for why I didn't use the black hand towel, it was because I hadn't bothered removing it from the laundry bag yet. See what I mean about housework = little thought?

It took my wife's eagle eyes to find the yellow spots on the towel. Let me say right now,  I hate when my wife sees the problems I create before I do. It gives me no chance to fix (or at least attempt to fix) them before I do. 

A-ha, nothing!

I wish I had taken up my wife's offer of doing another load of whites yesterday, because maybe this story would have had a happy ending.

Instead, Mr. Clean of the Upper East Side decided that he'd solve the problem once and for all today. Rub in a little stain remover, toss in a load -- what could happen? 

Only this: the stain remover became a stain creator, turning the yellow spots red. 

Realizing this wasn't the way it was supposed to work, I quickly threw the whites in the machine, along with some Clorox. That's supposed to be a stain remover, correct? After lunch, I bounced downstairs, ready to admire the my handiwork, and to prove to myself that maybe I've got this laundry thing down to a science.

Behold:

In my defense, no one ever told me that it wasn't the best idea to pour Clorox directly on stains. And as for getting this down to a science, well, science was a class where I never scored higher than a "C". 

Ultimately, I blame the recipe. If I hadn't used turmeric, none of this would have happened. But it's better than food poisoning, right? On to tonight's dinner!

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