ATTACK OF THE KILLER THEATER SEATS

Remember that poem "No Man is an Island" by John Donne? The one that featured a line Ernest Hemingway ripped off for the title of For Whom the Bell Tolls? No? Neither do I. Except for the part Martin Luther King, Jr. quoted: "Any man's death diminishes me, Because I am involved in mankind."

My latest selfie.

Well, I must be an isthmus, because, frankly, I can't go along with that "any man" stuff. When Fidel Castro died, the only thing that I found diminishing was the number of times I thought, Is Castro still alive? Charles Manson's death left me thinking, A little too late -- like, 48 years. If Harvey Weinstein finally did the world a favor and pulled a Mr. Creosote, all I would feel is What took him so long? 

Ethel Waters might have introduced "Am I Blue?", but it appears I'd have to change the lyrics to "Am I Cold?" There could be many reasons -- a defense mechanism; I'm a guy; it's just the way I'm built -- but the fact remains, not many deaths mean a heck of a lot to me. And some, I'm somewhat ashamed to admit, strike me as, well, funny. 

Take a look at this real headline, and tell me if I'm sick for finding something worth a chortle:

                Man Dies After Trapping His Head In Seat of UK Movie Theater

I bet you had to read that twice to make sure this wasn't a Mad-Lib. Then when you realized it was for real, a hint -- just a hint -- of an appalled amused grin took hold, before you thought, Must. Not. Be. Like. Kevin.

After physically wiping that (totally understandable) grin off your face, you probably tried visualizing how this man -- any man, because no woman could possibly be this stupid -- found himself in this predicament. And nothing made sense. So you had to read on:

A man has died after his head became trapped under the electronic footrest of a UK movie theater’s ‘Gold Class’ seat.

Now I bet you're even more confused. Did this guy decide to take a nap on the floor? Was the movie so bad he committed suicide by footrest? And since when do movie theater seats have footrests?

No, nothing about this incident makes any sense at all. So it's necessary to read on:

Local reports are that he had bent down to find his phone after it dropped between the premium seats. He was freed, it said, when the footrest was broken by bystanders.

.

All the comforts of home --
a funeral home.

OK, let's get this straight. Guy drops a phone between the seats... and suddenly his head is under the footrest? Now I know why so many people get into accidents trying to retrieve their phone when they're driving -- they're on the floor of the front seat.

Other than the "thoughts and condolences" bromide, the theater management didn't provide any further details -- perhaps they were too busy laughing? I mean, can you arrive at a plausible scenario?

I tried. Lord knows I tried. And I couldn't come up with a thing, because, on the face of it, nothing here made any sense. I mean, why spend the US equivalent of $42 per ticket (not including a $3.25 "booking fee") when you have a perfectly good HDTV at home? 

Think about that: over 45 bucks for a footrest. A footrest that kills you.

But how? Two would-be Philo Vances took a crack at it. The first:

Yes I can see that happening. The footrest is all the way up so you are almost lying down. You drop something so you get up and squat down and look under the seat. To keep your balance you hold on the side of the seat with your hand. Without intending to do so your hand rests on the button that lowers the footrest from the lying position to the sitting position. The footrest starts lowering but you don’t understand what is happening so you don’t remove your hand from the button and your head is trapped.

He can see that happening? His explanation gave me vertigo just reading it. Besides, how can you see the screen if you're lying down? 

Maybe contestant #2 has a better idea:

Yes it can be dangerous. Let’s say you are in the lying down position and you drop something on the floor. You bend down and look under the seat. To steady yourself you hold onto the seat with your hand. Without realizing it you are pressing the button that moves the footrest from the lying position to the sitting position and your head gets stuck between the bottom of the footrest and the bottom of the seat. You need sensors to stop the footrest if it is closing on something.

If you have to start your hypothesis by stating that sitting in a movie theater seat can be dangerous, then something's wrong already. Movie seats shouldn't kill you.

Try visualizing either of the above conjectures. If you can successfully do so -- and don't feel bad if you can't -- allow me to ask: Could you ever find yourself in either predicament? 

Going to the movies shouldn't require a masters in physics. Nor should it cost the same as a decent dinner with an OK glass of wine. And yet, a man died after trapping his head under a footrest in a UK movie theater. No wonder Mr. Bean was so popular over there -- to the Brits, it was a reality series.

But you still think this incident isn't funny? Picture it happening to Mark Zuckerberg, and get back to me.

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