THEY SAY THE NEON LIGHTS ARE BRIGHT...

More like "oldest shows still running".

While waiting for my bulgur and millet porridge to heat, I took a break from
listening to the UK news and turned my attention stateside. Specifically, NPR's 25-minute deep dive that can be boiled down to Whatsamatter with Broadway, Anyway? The two people interviewed were a lawyer and a "Broadway sensitivity specialist". 

Well, there's your answer. Producers shell out good money on shysters and people who create fancy-sounding job titles that nobody can understand. Well, that and A-list movie stars (Denzel Washington, George Clooney) and B-list pop singers (Mel B, JoJo, and others you haven't heard of) getting paid sky-high salaries, leading to outrageous ticket prices which go sky-higher via Ticketmaster, StubHub, and other bandits.

Other problems mentioned were the plethora of revivals, the dearth of new quality plays, and stars needing to take time off due to "exhaustion" -- or what Alan King referred to as "the rich man's disease."

They didn't even have time to change out of
their pajamas.

Exhaustion -- hah! If only they went through what the Four Marx Brothers did in 1929, filming The Cocoanuts in Astoria during the day, then doing Animal Crackers onstage in the evening. And three of them had to commute from Long Island for the pleasure of driving themselves to the brink of nervous breakdown.

High salaries and yet another revival of Death of a Salesman aside, allow me to offer my own problem, at least with musicals: nobody writes great songs anymore.

It seems like a dream now, but there was a time -- early 1930s to mid-1960s -- when musicals featured songs that became hits. Irving Berlin, Cole Porter, George and Ira Gershwin, Rodgers & Hart, followed by the likes of Lerner & Lowe, Rodgers & Hammerstein -- giants of the theater world whose music became part of the American landscape like Mt. Rushmore. 

My toes are tapping already.

Somebody can correct me, but it seems like the last time a Broadway show tune
song became a massive hit you couldn't escape was "Send in the Clowns" from A Little Night Music in 1973. Only the most rabid theater fan could name any song from Wicked, Maybe Happy Ending, The Great Gatsby, The Lost Boys, Two Strangers, and whatever else was running lately. The only shows with familiar songs are either based on movies (The Lion King) or are of the jukebox genre (Just in Time). 

Giants one roamed Times Square.

If you want a real shock, go the YouTube page of filmmaker Max Hechtman and watch his "supercuts" of the 1961 and 2021 movie versions of West Side Story's production numbers. You'll know the songs immediately and will probably recall most if not all the lyrics. Now imagine what opening night audiences at the Winter Garden felt in 1957. That's what happens when you have Stephen Sondheim writing the lyrics and Leonard Bernstein composing the music. 

Wicked can run from now until climate change burns down the Gershwin Theater. The movie version can be remade as a CGI cartoon and turned into a streaming series, and none of the songs will have the massive cultural impact as any one of West Side Story's numbers. 

Maybe next time NPR wants to figure out Broadway's problems, they can interview the ushers -- you know, the people who watch the shows night after night. They might have a better p.o.v. than the sensitivity specialists. 

Irony alert: "Send in the Clowns" is the one Sondheim number I never liked.

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THE EARLY SHOW, PT. 73

 As the world marches further into self-destruction, I retreat further into cinematic and televised obscurities. Do you blame me?

DER KAISER VON KALIFORNIEN (1936): One of the more bizarre moments in motion picture history, German actor/director Luis Trenker brought his cast and crew to the U.S. in order to film Der Kaiser von Kalifornien, the biopic of the German-born John A. Sutter, whose trek to California in the mid-19th century led to the eventual discovery of gold in them thar hills, and the expansion of the nation's territory.

But this being a Nazi-endorsed picture, calling it a "true story" would be a stretch, seeing that the real Sutter came to America to escape debtor's prison, and looked more like Edward Arnold (who starred in Sutter's Gold the same year) than the handsome Trenker. Nor did Sutter have two young sons who were shot down by his one-time friend. And there's no mention here of Sutter enslaving entire Indian tribes and, when that didn't work, engaging in genocide. Best not for the German movie public to be reminded what was happening at home, I guess.

The whole idea behind Der Kaiser von Kalifornien seems to be that it was a strong, noble German cowboy who turned the arid deserts of the Golden State into a lush paradise through hard work, wisdom, and paternal leadership, only to be brought down by greedy rivals. (You know they're bad because they hang out with black women.) 

Der Kaiser von Kalifornien is more of an interesting piece of cinema history rather than cinema itself, little different than your average forgotten Western from the time, other than Deutsch sprechen cowpokes. It even features the old saw of a spirit leading Sutter to America and, at the end, into the Great Beyond. A shame the spirit didn't have the foresight to tell him how that world war was going to turn out for the fatherland.

BONUS POINTS: Look carefully at one scene and you'll see an automobile speeding in the distance.

PLAYHOUSE 15 ("PARTNERS IN LAW") (1953): For those who found Playhouse 90 too long, the one-season anthology series Playhouse 15 was the answer. So much for the internet being the cause of short attention spans. 

In this episode, legal partners Phillip Manning and Arthur Saunders have survived a train accident. Phil's okay, but Arthur has amnesia. Phillip tells a former client, Dr. Yardley, to perform a fatal brain operation on Arthur -- because if he regains his memory, Arthur will tell the authorities that Phil stole money from a client and hid evidence that the doc was drunk during a previous botched surgery. That way, Arthur dies "accidentally", the doctor keeps his practice, and Phillip can run away with Arthur's wife. Phillip even suggests the doc find a fly-by-night mortuary to get rid of the body! Boy, if I'm ever in a jam, I know just who to call.

Playhouse 15's "Partners In Law" is impressive for packing in a complex story in such a short runtime, as well as the number of times Arthur rubs his head when repeating his I-can't-remember-a-thing mantra, and the ease with which Phillip tries to convince the surgeon to destroy Arthur's memory for good, The doc's response -- "You'd have to remove so much [brain] tissue that you'd reduce the individual to an imbecile!" -- made me think that just taking this show seriously would do the job.

Yet everything about Playhouse 15 -- the overwrought dialogue, melodramatic acting, and especially the music -- gave me a quarter-hour of warm, comforting nostalgia of childhood afternoons in front of the TV watching old reruns while drinking Cocoa Marsh. Such moments mean more now than they did then. 

BONUS POINTS: Bart Robinson, who plays Phillip, appeared in Woody Allen's Sleeper as Dr. Orva.

ANYONE CAN WIN (8/11/1953): Don't be fooled by the hyped-up announcer's promise of Anyone Can Win being "fabulous and exciting". It's just one of a billion stupid 1950s game shows created to give celebrity panelists a paycheck, and a host to crack wise. 

The twists here are that celebrities Laraine Day, Jackie Cooper, and Wendy Barrie are joined by a mystery guest disguised as Hairless Joe, a character from the "Li'l Abner" comic strip, and that the host is "Li'l Abner" creator Al Capp. (Gee, I wonder how they convinced him to take the job.) But as with many game shows of its time, Anyone Can Win has rules ridiculously complex yet sound like they're being made up on the fly. Something about questions, answers, lights, buzzers and phoning somebody at home to see if they can identify who's behind the Hairless Joe mask. 

Anyone Can Win's frenetic atmosphere is heightened by the audience. You see, they're divided into four groups, one for each panelist. Whoever wins will allow their group to split the money earned. Talk about greed -- by the end, these folks actually scream out the answers to the players, which should be against one of the show's 75 rules. 

While Al Capp tries keeping things relatively sane, Laraine Day throws a fit when one of her answers isn't accepted by the judges. And she ain't kidding -- Day is such a big baby that they give her the win just to shut her up. Maybe they were afraid her husband, New York Giants coach Leo Durocher, would come by and beat them with a baseball bat. The way Anyone Can Win operates, it wouldn't have looked out of line.

BONUS POINTS: The commercial for Carter's Little Liver Pills, before the feds forced the company to remove "Liver" from its name. Which makes sense, since according to the spot's "doctor", the stuff was for constipation.

I'LL DO ANYTHING (UNRELEASED ORIGINAL EDIT) (1994) A rare floppo for writer/director James L. Brooks, I'll Do Anything was filmed as a musical with most of the songs composed by Prince, with Carole King and Jackson Browne chipping in one each. Following a disastrous sneak preview, Brooks cut the musical numbers, did reshoots to cover what was lost, and released it as a straight romcom, receiving reviews ranging from sympathetic to hostile.

Recently, somebody uploaded a bootlegged workprint of I'll Do Anything's musical version onto the internet. Forget about a cast made up almost entirely of non-singers (read about At Long Last Love to see how that kind of thing turns out). The problem is the story -- or, rather stories. Nick Nolte is an out of work actor in Hollywood suddenly given custody of his bratty young daughter while romancing production assistant Joley Richardson. Meanwhile, Albert Brooks is a self-centered movie producer who can't commit to Julie Kavner, the owner of a company that sets up sneak previews for studios. Memo to Hollywood: nobody cares about your problems. Nor do they find the movie business as fascinating as you do. And when in hell will you learn that LOUD, BRATTY CHILDREN ARE NOT AND NEVER HAVE BEEN FUNNY. 

This is why the musical version of I'll Do Anything is interesting in its daring, even as it took me five hours to slog through its 140 minutes. Not that the numbers are particularly good. It's just that, well, if there's a chance of your movie being a debacle, you might as well swing for the fences as James L. Brooks does here. 

In other words, give the lead role to an actor with the comedy chops of Richard Nixon! Hire songwriters lacking musical comedy experience to write the score! Make sure only one of your actors (Tracy Ullman) can actually sing! Have your dancers jump around instead of dance! Without these gaffes, I wouldn't have made it past the first 20 minutes. 

BONUS POINTS: I'll Do Anything would have been made for a far better, funnier romcom focusing on Albert Brooks and Julie Kavner. Maybe somebody can edit out the Nick Nolte throughline and fill out the rest with A.I. 

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BACK IN THE UK THEY ARE

 Has it been six years? Why, it seems like yesterday that Harry and Meghan turned royal tail and fled their no-show jobs in the UK for their no-watched shows in the US. 

It was just a little over a year ago when Harry told the BBC, "I can't see a world in which I would bring my wife and children back to the UK at this point." 

Well, it appears Harry found a good ophthalmologist to clear up his eyesight. Or was there something else that changed his and the little lady's collective minds? 

It couldn't have been the weather (the UK seems to ping-pong between chilly grey skies and record-breaking heat with nothing in between). Or the possibility of a welcome-home celebration from the family Harry said were racist. Or positive coverage from the press he referred to as "dweebs and crones and cut-rate criminals and clinically diagnosable sadists". 

Here's another rhyme: Take the hints, prince.

Could it be they're counting on the goodwill of the British public? Not with 2/3 of the nation having an unfavorable view of them. One former Royal security chief I saw interviewed claimed that the real negative number is 85%, while 20% are dangerous enough to be considered genuine threats. Let me tell you, if that's the way my fellow countrymen felt about me, I'd take the next dogsled to the North Pole. 

So what in the name of McVite's Digestive Biscuits would bring Harry and Meghan back facing that kind of hostility? Well, according to the Sun front page, they're doing it for the kids. in fact, the tykes are already enrolled in a posh private school. This makes this whole "sudden" decision to move back something of a big question mark. Because if that enrollment process was anything like what we had to go through for our daughter's public school, then Harry and Meg must have started filling their U-Haul last spring. 

With a name like Dickie Arbiter, he should be
judging neckwear rather than royals.

The usual talking heads -- make that grumbling heads -- on the Talk TV channel have become distracted from taking target practice at Prime Minister Andy Burnham in favor of returning to what they call "the gruesome twosome" (a nickname right out of a Hanna-Barbera cartoon circa 1962). Their theories regarding the end of Megxit range from the couple's American business failures to losing their Hollywood friends to sensing the end is near for King Charles. 

Then Harry & Meghan could take
X-rays of their heads to see if
anything's in there.

Not that Harry and Meghan want to be around for the funeral. According to the hosts, they just want to win back British hearts in order to force big bro William to make amends with them. Otherwise, they'll set up a rival "royal court" down the road, the way John Lennon formed the Plastic Ono Band to record "Cold Turkey" when the other Beatles rejected it. 

So much speculation over the most prominent yet dullest couple of the 21st century! At least William and Catherine are having their thrones warmed up by Papa and Stepmom. Harry and Meghan are returning to nothing more interesting than giving speeches at schools, hospitals, and military bases (which are paying rent to the royals). And as for the kids' education, I bet there are plenty of good private schools in or around Montecito. No need to travel 6,000 miles to learn about how well-equipped British troops lost the Revolutionary War to a ragtag band of rebels.

So what is behind the big move? Let's put the question to Google's AI function and see what it says:

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's planned relocation back to the UK is directly linked to hitting a six-year non-residency milestone that clears them from major British tax liabilities. Financial and tax experts note that their return coincides perfectly with the completion of six full UK tax years abroad (from the 2020/21 tax year through the 2025/26 tax year).

Huh. Maybe there's something rattling in their brains after all. Hope the working class doesn't mind taking up the slack.

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THE EARLY SHOW, PT. 72

 
These four movies live up to the phrase Now I've seen everything. Whether you want to see them is another story.

THE BLACK STORK (1917): If The Very Idea presented the funny side of eugenics, The Black Stork is shocking in its casually positive perspective. Named for the animal that allegedly kills the newborns it deems unhealthy, The Black Stork is based on the career of Dr. Harry J. Haiselden, a surgeon infamous for doing likewise to human babies. Despite Haiselden's notoriety, his movie counterpart, Dr. Dickey, is presented as a hero doing God's work. And if you want proof, when the doctor goes to work on one unfortunate newborn, Jesus cradles the baby's soul in His arms upon its death, so there.

The story, about a man carrying a "defective" gene via his grandfather's "unclean" housekeeper, is extended an extra half hour or so by the mother's nightmare of how her newborn's child's life will turn out if he lives: ostracized by children, rejected and mocked by society in adulthood, killing the surgeon who let him live, and eventually fathering a whole brood of "unfit" kids with what used to be referred to as a downtrodden woman. And in The Black Stork, people unfit to live include those with Down's Syndrome and epilepsy. Oof.

Not once are society's visibly horrified reactions to these people considered out of line; instead, it's those people's fault for living. In order to give The Black Stork a documentary feel, authentic "deformed" children and adults are featured exploited, with Dr. Haiselden himself playing the hero eugenicist! Re-released in 1924 as Are You Fit to Marry? with an additional framing story, The Black Stork played the grindhouse circuit until the early 1940s, when Hitler made the concept of eugenics less acceptable for (public) endorsement.

BONUS POINTS: Henry Bergman, who plays "The Defective" in the mother's nightmare about her child's future, would go on to better things as a regular co-star and assistant director for Charlie Chaplin.

THE DEVIL'S ASSISTANT (1917): The long-forgotten, barely-known-in-his-time Harry Pollard careened between directing mainstream studio pictures and exploitation dreck involving the usual cinematic sins -- drugs, sex, and Satan. The Devil's Assistant combines all of them in a two-reel (cut down from its original five) whirlwind of madness. 

Oh wait, madness is the fourth sin here, suffered by our heroine Marta upon the birth of her baby. She's being treated by the evil Dr. Lorenz, the man who has secretly loved her forever, eventually turning her into a drug slave under his spell. During an attempted rape in a thunderstorm, the roof caves in on them, sending the shamed Marta brief to Hell for a look-see. But maybe it was only a dream, as her husband Jack rescues her from the clutches of the late Dr. Lorenz. (Jack had been dallying with Marta's friend Marion, but we'll forget about that.)

Other than not explaining what happened to Marta's baby -- it isn't clear whether the kid died at birth or went the way of the black stork -- the 30-minute hack job done on The Devil's Assistant's later rerelease doesn't matter to the story. Movies like this exist strictly for shock moments, like Lorenz briefly turning into Satan at Marta and Jack's wedding, Lorenz's chauffeur leering with approval at Lorenz assaulting Marta (probably the creepiest moment in the whole show), and the red-tinted visit to Hell.

Like the similar scene in Spencer Tracy's Dante's Inferno, The Devil's Assistant passes this off as a moral lesson rather than the cheap thrill it really is. But give director Pollard credit for attaching two phony heads and a cheap pair of wings on a real dog to create Cerberus, even if he looks no more evil than the participants in the canine costume contest in our neighborhood every Halloween. All things considered, The Devil's Assistant, even in its barely-rescued-from-self-destruction condition, is a morbidly fascinating psychoactive experience. But the only lesson you'll likely learn: if your current PCP sports a goatee and sinister smile like Dr. Lorenz, find yourself a new one.

BONUS POINTS: Say what you want, but there's something creepy about Death being portrayed by a guy in a skeleton costume and hooded cape.

IMPRESSIONS OF DISRAELI (1931): We're all used to celebrities making political endorsements. But the 15-minute Impressions of Disraeli takes it one step beyond by starring George Arliss as the famous 19th-century Prime Minister promoting Britain's Conservative Party. 

Mind you, Arliss never comes out and says, "Vote the straight Tory ticket!" Instead, he recreates a few of Disraeli's speeches that explained what the Conservatives stood for and why they were better than the Liberals. And what's fascinating is that they appeared to support equal rights, freedom of speech and justice for all, where no class was better than the other -- you know, liberal ideals. The closest he comes to sounding "conservative" is when he endorses tariffs, but only against countries who impose their own. If this is what the current American conservatives were like, I could sleep better at night.

By 1931, Arliss had portrayed Disraeli on the London and New York stages, as well as a silent and talking movie. As far as audiences were concerned, he was Disraeli the way Hal Holbrook was Mark Twain. And, gosh darn it, Arliss really pulls it off. Not that I was around during Disraeli's lifetime (1804-1881) to know for sure. Arliss' make-up and hairstyle appear closer to the real thing than in his 1929 bio talkie, which makes me think he applied it here himself, as he likely did onstage. Never seen in the US (and, for some reason, repeating one speech twice in a row), Impressions of Disraeli is riveting historically and artistically -- this is as close as you'll get to knowing what George Arliss was like onstage. Like anybody but me cares.

BONUS POINTS: The movie is introduced by Conservative Party leader and future Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin (I had to go online to learn who the hell he was).

BOOM (1968): Tennessee Williams' Boom (the exclamation mark exists only in the posters, not the credits) encapsulates everything wrong with "edgy", "stylish" movies from the mid to late 1960s. Bad dialogue, gaudy color schemes, camera movements that call attention to themselves, and an A-list cast wallowing in trash, led by Richard Burton, Elizabeth Taylor, and Noel Coward. Oh, what a free trip to Italy and a good paycheck will do to some people! 

Taylor is Mrs. Goforth, living in splendor on her private island where she screams at her employees between glasses of vodka and bottles of pills, when visited by Chris Flanders (Burton). Flanders, a distant acquaintance of Goforth's, is nicknamed the Angel of Death, which alerts you how the movie is going to end. At that point, you could go out to dinner and return to catch the climax because nothing but nothing outside of reams of bad dialogue happens in between. Trashy movies can be entertaining (see Machine Gun McCain), but Boom is a stupefyingly pretentious bore.

Aside from Michael Dunn as Goforth's security chief, the only person you'd miss by skipping the bulk of Boom is Noel Coward as the, uh, Witch of Capri. Thanks to his brilliant delivery, Coward actually makes his dialogue sound wittier than it is. Tennessee Williams seems to have had given up all pretense of offering some kind of a "message" in his screenplay, lapsing into either self-parody or the crime of WWI (Writing While Intoxicated). When near the end of Boom Taylor moans, "This is the worst day of my life," I thought, You don't know the half of it, Liz.

BONUS POINTS: Tennessee Williams considered Boom the best movie adaptation of any of his plays, which goes to show artists aren't necessarily the best judges of their own works. 

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A MORE PERFECT UNION MEMBER

"Over here! Hire me!"

 At my age, so the experts say, it's good, even necessary, to take a few chances,
have a new challenge or two, to keep your mental and physical skills intact.

Yesterday, I took a chance that would be considered financial to any right-thinking person. After a decade of doing background work as a non-union extra, I finally joined SAG-AFTRA. 

If you've been paying attention to the news or even this blog (hah!), you might think that such a move is like joining an anti-war movement the day after Pearl Harbor. But seeing that there have been fewer non-union gigs available, I couldn't possibly work less than I have been for the last year without giving up entirely.

1933: George Raft, Warner Oland, Fredric March,
Adolphe Menjou, Groucho Marx, and James
Cagney join SAG. Now they have great looks.

Union extras have been urging me to join, with everyone telling me that I have a "great look". Well yes, that's true. So why wasn't I being hired? These people were all in my age range, so maybe, as SAG members, they were getting the jobs I could do. 

I'd put off joining for years, despite qualifying early on. Back then, one had to jump through hoops to become SAG, or so I was told. Too, I'd heard horror stories about extras who joined, only to barely work again, if at all. Not being the gambling type, I decided to stay in my non-union lane, believing that more work at lower pay was better than less work at higher. 

That actually worked out for a long time. My spreadsheet shows close to 300 gigs from 2016-2024 -- fewer than many of my colleagues, but still enough to keep me working fairly regularly. As I've mentioned before, the 2024 strike, along with health issues that kept me sidelined for a few months, changed that. In the last year, I've worked three, count 'em, three times.

At least I won't have to go through this for a few
more years.

So why join? It boils down to, Well, what the hell, why not? There are certainly a few reasons why I probably shouldn't, like wondering if I'll make back the entry fee (that's the financial challenge mentioned near the beginning of this piece), along with the biannual dues. I mean, I can afford it at this stage of my life. But is it worth it?

It worked for Chaplin.

Maybe. A while ago, I grew a goatee, which got me a gig. When I showed up on the first of my three-day shoot, they decided I'd look better with just the moustache. Bzzzz went the beard. Thinking it was an interesting change-up, I kept my new look. Last week I was hired for a three-day gig on another production because of the mustache. 

It would be nice if the one-two punch of moustache and SAG membership proves to be the key to a resurgence in employment. If not... well, at least my obituary will describe me as a proud member of SAG-AFTRA. I might not become part of the 2% to 5% of the 160,000 members who make a living at it, but I'm officially retired anyway. 

On the other hand...

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DAY OF METRO MOVIE-A-TONEMENT

WARNING: Lengthy, unusually nerdy movie column to follow. Proceed with caution. 

From 1928 to 1930, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer released a couple dozen short films known as Metro Movietones. Most were filmed at the MGM Eastern Studios on Second Avenue and 126th Street (shown below) and featured some of the most acclaimed music stars of the New York stage.

Just to get an idea of what Broadway and bigtime vaudeville was like, I sat through all the Movietones -- three hours' worth -- over two days. (When you get to be my age, you realize what's important in life.)

Nowhere do you see familiar names like, say, Eddie Cantor, the Four Marx Brothers, Ethel Waters, George M. Cohan, Bessie Smith, or anyone else who might, just might, ring a bell. Just why MGM didn't convince them or their 14-karat brethren to step before a movie camera for a few minutes is a puzzlement.

Most of the female singers of this time, like Marion Harris, were considered jazzy, which now would be considered something of a stretch. But in 1928, any piece of music with a hint of rhythm beyond that of "Old McDonald" was considered syncopated. Harris is certainly a fine, personable thrush; calling her a "jazz singer", though, is like considering Taylor Swift profound.

While we're talking women, a Movietone favorite was singing siblings: The Brox Sisters, the Ponce Sisters, and, no kidding, the Five Locust Sisters. While the Brox and Ponce sibs are fairly easy on the eyes, the Locusts are about as sexy as a Biblical plague. What all of these acts share are cartoonishly high voices and 1-2-3 rhythm that make them sound far more dated than, say, the Andrews Sisters, whose 1940s big band warbling can still get a room to jump 'n' jive. 

Men get more of their fair share of screentime, which is too bad for them. Leo Beers ("world renowned whistling songster") trills some "naughty" songs in a vaguely effeminate manner while accompanying himself on the piano. Not to be outdone, George Rose, a forgotten vaudeville MC, tells a few "naughty" jokes in an equally effeminate manner before going into a dead-serious Mammy song, Which is strange for a white guy born in the UK. Irish tenor Joseph Regan gets in on the Mammy act as well, proving how influential Al Jolson could be even when it's totally inappropriate. 

It wouldn't be a vaudeville show without novelty acts. Fuzzy Knight ("And His Little Piano") and Jack Pepper appear to have taken a few dexies before ripping off Cliff Edwards' scat-style singing, interrupted by jokes lacking punchlines. Miss Ella Shields, an American by birth, sings and dances as a male British sailor. Frances White does three numbers: one as a Gilded Age matron, another as a child in a onesie, and a third in a strapless gown while swinging a feathered fan. That's versatility right there, folks.

For those who enjoy humor aimed at nationalities other than their own, Van & Schenck perform in Jewish, Irish, and Asian dialects, and the Happiness Boys sing (and bark) a number about a German threatening to kill his dog. Someone else does a blackface stand-up routine about Christopher Columbus. Oh, and there's a guy who plays a musical saw. Maybe this wasn't entirely bigtime vaudeville.

George Dewey Washington is one of the few performers whose style holds up today, as he possesses a strong baritone and a weird hold on your attention. But in what might have been the only way he could have performed on an otherwise all-white bill, Washington is dressed like a stereotypical hobo instead of a tux like the other guys. Still, he receives top billing over four ofays, so no complaining!

The only person in any of these Movietones who went on to better things is Jack Benny. As the MC of The Song Writers' Revue, Jack introduces eight of the best-known pop composers of 1929. Only 35, Jack's famous physical mannerisms are already solidly in place. Unfortunately, he was still years away from his loveable cheapskate persona, making his sarcastic, mildly aggressive delivery even less funny today. (Bonus point: Jack briefly speaks Yiddish, perhaps the only time he ever made a reference to his Jewish background.)

Few viewers today would find the Movietone entertainers, well, entertaining. At best, they can be studied as one does unique specimens of extinct peoples that were wiped out by an "extreme event", otherwise known as Bing Crosby.

Once Bing crooned his way to stardom, his sexy, sophisticated style suddenly made all the Movietone singers, male and female, obsolete. Just a few years after appearing in these shorts, most of them were reduced to "and featuring" status or disappeared entirely from the stage and screen.

These Movietones, then, are valuable because we get to see certain stage folk before being ushered offstage by a new, hipper generation of entertainers. Marion Harris, Jack Pepper, the Brox Sister, George Rose -- they and the rest received huzzahs from audiences and newspaper columnists alike, no matter how moth-eaten they appear now. And don't kid yourself: you would have loved them, too. Possibly.

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