THE COMEBACK JACKASSES

 From London to New York, two former office holders have seen their reputations become further tarnished due to their own behavior, having gone from dazzlingly popular to voted "Least Likely to Make a Successful Comeback." 

And they dressed so darned American!

For our British brethren, it's Harry, the man who needs no second name. After Harry backtracked on his vow never to return to the homeland and his old job, he and the little lady are said to be looking for a nine-bedroom lean-to for themselves and their two are-they-or-aren't-they royal offspring in the Cotswold's. 

And that's where they're going to be spending their "working days". Pater, a/k/a King Charles, put the word out through the royal publicist just where the couple stand:

“This position, distinct from the state and royal duties undertaken by the working royal family, and with the personal latitude it brings the couple in respect of financial independence and protection of their privacy as they would wish, will continue to be fully respected. Their styles as His and Her Royal Highness remain in abeyance and are not used. [Their charitable work] is a personal matter for them both and undertaken in their private capacity. In short, their position is akin to private citizens with commercial and charitable interests.”

Freunde to the end.

Their styles as His and Her Royal Highness remain in abeyance. Ooh-wee! That there statement is fancy English talk for Don't call us, we won't call you. 

It seems Harry and Meghan are the Gen X Edward and Wallis, doomed to travel the globe, without a real home or titles (make that "styles"), making the occasional TV appearance with easily impressed talk show hosts. All they have to do to complete the picture is chilling with a fascist dictator. Hey, I understand there's some action going on in Germany -- just like in Edward's day!

Rudy hurt himself bending down to give
Donald Trump a happy ending one too many times.

We New Yorkers have our own clown mucking things up. In preparation for the 25th
anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, Rudy Giulani took time off his busy schedule of sweating hair dye to share his thoughts regarding Mayor Zohran Mamdani and Muslims in general:

“Having lost friends [at the World Trade Center] and being very close to many of the families, it offends me that he’s coming [to the memorial service].” He added for good measure, that “[Muslims] have every desire to take us over. This is not, ‘they want to be just another religion.’ They want to dominate us. […] Mamdani is a clear — a clear — supporter of that. All of the Muslims he supports are murderers.” 

That's pretty rich, considering Giuliani's administration deliberately lied about the air quality downtown in the months after 9/11. And it took our first Muslim mayor to make the information public following a quarter century of Democrat and Republican administrations quashing it -- as you know a Mayor Cuomo would have also done. (That was sarcasm, in case it wasn't clear.)

A courtroom sketch artist
captures the inner fiend.

America's Mayor-turned-America's Dracula seems to think that his kind of talk is "tough" when in truth most New Yorkers find it as hideous as his dental implants. Not content sounding crazy, he's gone past the point of being taken seriously into something sadder: pathetic. 

Meanwhile, Harry isn't at that point -- yet. It sure doesn't help that he and Meghan claim to be "surprised" at daddy-o's frosty press release when being on the outside looking in seemed to their dream.

 All they have to do is keep their heads down, raise a few shillings for whatever charity will have them, and earn an honest living -- admittedly difficult for anyone in that family -- and many Brits might forgive them. Unless they're named William and Catherine. 

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BACK IN THE UK THEY ARE

 Has it been six years? Why, it seems like yesterday that Harry and Meghan turned royal tail and fled their no-show jobs in the UK for their no-watched shows in the US. 

It was just a little over a year ago when Harry told the BBC, "I can't see a world in which I would bring my wife and children back to the UK at this point." 

Well, it appears Harry found a good ophthalmologist to clear up his eyesight. Or was there something else that changed his and the little lady's collective minds? 

It couldn't have been the weather (the UK seems to ping-pong between chilly grey skies and record-breaking heat with nothing in between). Or the possibility of a welcome-home celebration from the family Harry said were racist. Or positive coverage from the press he referred to as "dweebs and crones and cut-rate criminals and clinically diagnosable sadists". 

Here's another rhyme: Take the hints, prince.

Could it be they're counting on the goodwill of the British public? Not with 2/3 of the nation having an unfavorable view of them. One former Royal security chief I saw interviewed claimed that the real negative number is 85%, while 20% are dangerous enough to be considered genuine threats. Let me tell you, if that's the way my fellow countrymen felt about me, I'd take the next dogsled to the North Pole. 

So what in the name of McVite's Digestive Biscuits would bring Harry and Meghan back facing that kind of hostility? Well, according to the Sun front page, they're doing it for the kids. in fact, the tykes are already enrolled in a posh private school. This makes this whole "sudden" decision to move back something of a big question mark. Because if that enrollment process was anything like what we had to go through for our daughter's public school, then Harry and Meg must have started filling their U-Haul last spring. 

With a name like Dickie Arbiter, he should be
judging neckwear rather than royals.

The usual talking heads -- make that grumbling heads -- on the Talk TV channel have become distracted from taking target practice at Prime Minister Andy Burnham in favor of returning to what they call "the gruesome twosome" (a nickname right out of a Hanna-Barbera cartoon circa 1962). Their theories regarding the end of Megxit range from the couple's American business failures to losing their Hollywood friends to sensing the end is near for King Charles. 

Then Harry & Meghan could take
X-rays of their heads to see if
anything's in there.

Not that Harry and Meghan want to be around for the funeral. According to the hosts, they just want to win back British hearts in order to force big bro William to make amends with them. Otherwise, they'll set up a rival "royal court" down the road, the way John Lennon formed the Plastic Ono Band to record "Cold Turkey" when the other Beatles rejected it. 

So much speculation over the most prominent yet dullest couple of the 21st century! At least William and Catherine are having their thrones warmed up by Papa and Stepmom. Harry and Meghan are returning to nothing more interesting than giving speeches at schools, hospitals, and military bases (which are paying rent to the royals). And as for the kids' education, I bet there are plenty of good private schools in or around Montecito. No need to travel 6,000 miles to learn about how well-equipped British troops lost the Revolutionary War to a ragtag band of rebels.

So what is behind the big move? Let's put the question to Google's AI function and see what it says:

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's planned relocation back to the UK is directly linked to hitting a six-year non-residency milestone that clears them from major British tax liabilities. Financial and tax experts note that their return coincides perfectly with the completion of six full UK tax years abroad (from the 2020/21 tax year through the 2025/26 tax year).

Huh. Maybe there's something rattling in their brains after all. Hope the working class doesn't mind taking up the slack.

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NOBLE ROT

I listen to a lot of Times Radio, the BBC, and other UK news outlets. And speaking as an American with zero skin in the game, the most fascinating thing going over there isn't Prime Minister Keir Starmer gripping on to power the way Donald Trump does a Big Mac. It's the growing loathing toward Britain's most expensive welfare family, i.e. the Royals. 

Catherine plots to repurpose the Tower of London
to its original prison status.

The raucous negative reaction they received at the recent Trooping the Color event was a shocker. (By the way, does "Trooping the Color" sound like anything that should exist after the Victorian Age?). Princess Catherine's response to the loud, lusty booing of spectators was worthy of Melania Trump at her most repulsed. Or repulsive, it's your call. 

To answer your question: Charles knew everything.

It must have been quite the comedown for the Princess, whose handling of her
cancer diagnosis a few years back brought out admiration from all but the most cold-hearted citizen. What could she have possibly told her royal kiddies -- with the straight-out-of-fairytale names George, Charlotte, and Louis -- when they asked her, Mummy, why are those peasants making unpleasant noises at us? Can't you execute them or something? 

This dolt actually takes this stuff seriously.

As further damning information about Prince Andrew continues to be released -- information that was covered up by his mummy and big brother -- the rising anger against the House of Windsor is to be expected. When diehard royal fans explain the reason for the monarchy is they "set an example" for the peons to follow, they seem to desire the entire country to hide crimes of treason and sex made by one of their own. 

Believe it or not, there's something even more inexplicable going on. With the rise of the anti-royal outrage, you'd think Prince Harry would be taking a victory lap or two for quitting his job. Instead, he and his family are returning to visit the homeland for the first time in four years -- and, if stories are to be believed, the are-they-or-aren't-they Prince and Princess want to make it permanent. 

"You get hair implants or else!"

Yes, the "ginger one" (as the childishly anti-Harry horde refers to him) allegedly wants to make his father, stepmother, and brother forget he gave them a right thrashing in his ghostwritten autobiography Spare. Maybe because it was published three years ago, he believes that they will forgive being called a bunch of cruel, dysfunctional, coldhearted racists. You would if it happened to you, right?

It's very possible  ol' dad will turn the other pallid cheek, but word around the palace has it that once William gets crowned, Harry will get the royal boot for good. He already received a taste of what might be coming his way when Spike Lee refused to shake his hand at the Knicks/Spurs game last week. To someone who's had a lifetime being treated like, er, a prince, Spike's deportment must have been a jolt bordering on trauma. And this time, he can't blame it on racism toward his wife.

Obviously not a discussion with fans.

Further confusing things is the reaction from Harry and Meghan fans in America. Anti-royal to their core, they were suddenly thrilled to see a mixed-racial marriage shake up Buckingham Palace. Their revelry increased when the couple pulled up stakes for Montecito and started making bank with Netflix and Spotify. We hate the royals! We hate the rich! We love the royal and rich Harry & Meghan! 

Now that Harry & Meghan no longer feel the love from their one-time American showbiz friends -- the couple has been diagnosed with the contagious disease "loser" -- they're trying very hard to make inroads at the Palace. And in a textbook case of cognitive dissonance, their fans who were ecstatic the couple left their "royal duties" are suddenly angry that those horrid palace people allegedly don't want them back. 

But nobody seems to care that the treasonous sexual abuser Andrew is still eighth in line to the throne. 

Be thankful for your wacky family.

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PARSING THE KING

 The official press release, followed by the translation:

I HAVE LEARNED: The coppers gave me a heads-up three hours ago.

WITH THE DEEPEST CONCERN: Concern that the royal family is about to go the way of the Hindenburg.

THE NEWS ABOUT ANDREW MOUNTBATTEN-WINDSOR: Notice I didn't say "my brother"? Pretty clever, right?

AND SUSPICION OF MISCONDUCT IN PUBLIC OFFICE: Because emails and photographs aren't really evidence, are they? 

WHAT FOLLOWS IS NOW THE FULL, FAIR AND PROPER PROCESS BY WHICH THIS ISSUE IS INVESTIGATED IN THE APPROPRIATE MANNER AND BY THE PROPER AUTHORITIES: Now that my mother and I can no longer cover up for Andrew's crimes.

IN THIS, AS I HAVE SAID BEFORE, THEY HAVE OUR FULL AND WHOLEHEARTED CO-OPERATION: After we spent over 15 years hiding it and threatening anyone who asked about it.

LET ME STATE CLEARLY: THE LAW MUST TAKE ITS COURSE: After over 15 years of preventing it.

AS THIS PROCESS CONTINUES, IT WOULD NOT BE RIGHT FOR ME TO COMMENT FURTHER: Bloody hell, leave me alone! 

MEANWHILE, MY FAMILY AND I WILL CONTINUE IN OUR DUTY AND SERVICE TO YOU ALL: Just don't ask what our duty and service is outside of covering up family messes, avoiding taxes, and eating quail for lunch.

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GONE WITH THE WINDSORS

 

That's the least of his problems.

As the world's most famous sex predator/ pedophile/ traitor who isn't named Trump lives the good life in the English countryside on the taxpayer's dime shilling, bad news continues to rise like acrid smoke from the town dump.

One of the latest pieces of burning trash: whenever Mumsie was out of town, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor would swoop in and use Buckingham Palace as his personal knocking shop (British slang for brothel). The codename he gave his "dates" was "Mrs. Windsor". As in, when giving a heads-up to the security detail, "Mrs. Windsor will arrive shortly, please let her in and show her up."

Which one had the worst taste?

The real ex-Mrs. Windsor didn't mind. Not as long as Jeffrey Epstein kept paying her bills. Her feelings for Epstein wavered from familial ("Thank you Jeffrey for being the brother I have always wished for") to something more, er, personal ("Xx I am at your service . Just marry me"). Not that it would ever happen. Even Jeffrey Epstein knew where to draw the line. And he's the guy who thanked an Arab CEO for providing him with "torture videos"!

Not surprisingly, Andrew Mountbatten- Windsor and his former wife continue to be the object of derision, loathing, and ridicule. And that's from people who like the Royal Family.

That's no joke. I've noticed an odd thing among the right-of-center hosts of the "breakfast programmes" and "chat shows". They report with justifiable disgust that the family has been covering up Andrew's behavior for at least 15 years. 

"But then again, who hasn't fibbed now and then?"

But even when admitting they've had it with the whole lot, the hosts add, "But I support the Royal Family" or "But I am a monarchist." It's like saying, "Even though it's terrible how the hitman accidentally shot innocent bystanders, I still support the Gambino crime family."

Yet to me it's the Corleones  who come to mind, albeit with some differences. Queen Elizabeth was the Godmother, no question, calling the shots and paying off the right people. You did not cross the Godmother. 

Charles is the eldest, and like Sonny Corleone has a hot temper. He cheated on his first wife, too. As for another similarity --  in the novel, [Sonny's wife] allows – and is grateful for – his infidelities because she is unable to take the size of his penis -- that's up for debate. A debate I want no part of.

Keep smirking while you can, Fredo. Michael's
having none of it.

Andrew is Fredo, the imbecile with the slutty wife and an inability to do his job

correctly. All he focuses on are women, to the detriment of his family's "reputation", who continually have to clean up his messes.

This leaves William as Michael Corleone: the "good" son who was vaguely aware of what was going on, but never took part in the crimes themselves, and made his family proud. It's only when he took over the family, he started cleaning house. 

You remember what happened to Fredo, right? William is polishing his ring even now. Pucker up, royals, the fun is about to begin!

 

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ANDREW THE LAST

 Anyone looking for a hard-hitting piece on Donald Trump's second Reich will have to go somewhere else, because there are a thousand or so professional scribblers who can do it a lot better.

This leaves me free to openly chaff, mock, and ridicule the Royal Family. And you know which one I'm talking about. 

Remember what happened to Robert Johnson
at the crossroads?

You've read the details about Andrew (the man without a title) and his pimp

Jeffrey Epstein (the man without a logical death certificate). Every day, the news gets worse. I suggest you wander over to YouTube and check out the pieces on the English-language France 24 news channel, where interviews and reports can last 20 or more minutes without commercial interruption. 

The art director is a graduate of the 
New York Post school of design.

British news programs, naturally, are all over this like blood on pudding. And I have to give credit to the conservative Talk TV channel, which has made room for tirades against Andrew and -- is it possible? -- King Charles for not doing more to punish his sexually demented sibling. 

Quick aside: The one funny thing they've reported is that Andrew feels hurt not by the accusations against him but being stripped of his membership in the Order of the Royal Garter. Funny because it sounds so childish. Funny, too, because the Royal Garter is an order of chivalry. Andrew and chivalry in the same sentence? The British really are incredibly droll.

Never was there a more
appropriate photo of the Queen.

As reporters comb through the three million pages of the Epstein files, one

interesting tidbit is being spoken of -- first in passing, but now more definitively. Andrew's moral and criminal misbehavior was known to the Royals going back years and years. And the Cover-Upper-in-Chief was none other than Queen Elizabeth II.

Cor blimey! The beloved monarch who reigned o'er her subjects for 70 years like the grandmother you always wanted even if she would never deign to touch you? That Queen Elizabeth was the obstructionist, accessory after the fact and consigliere for her sexually depraved favorite son? The mind reels, while the mouth laughs.

"I say, old chap, I would so appreciate
if you moved a little further down the road."

We can no longer lay all the blame on King Charles for merely wringing his hands and mumbling I've thrown him out of his house, what more can I do? as the entire British ruling class teeters on the precipice of ruin (oh, if only it were so everywhere). He's merely following the tradition that his dear mama learned from her parents, and they learned from theirs. Deny, deflect, lie. Picture Roy Cohn in jerkins and you get the idea.

Speaking as an American living under a racist, corrupt, mentally-deranged authoritarian, it's not my place to tell the Brits what to do with the freeloaders who live in Buckingham Palace. The difference is, we had it coming because Trump received enough votes (and Democrats had no idea how to speak to the American people without sounding like Yale economic professors). 

But the Brits! Remember how they made it clear they would be well rid of the royals until the Queen finally made a public statement showing a royal quarter-litre of compassion regarding the death of Lady Di? 

Now if only the police would post these.

That incident should remind the British public that they have the power to see justice done if they want it. Locals have already plastered "public safety announcements" in the village where Andrew resides, warning of a "SWEATY NONCE" ("nonce" being slang for pedophile). Andrew's royal servants have gone on strike rather than cook and clean for a deviant. The royal-friendly Daily Mail trashes him like his name were Meghan Markle. 

All of this would have been unthinkable in another era. But that's what entitlement does when the public -- or as Andrew would likely refer to them, "those yobs" -- has its fill of that lot. All together now: Off with their royal garters!

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FILE UNDER: AWFUL PEOPLE

 As the Epstein files continue to roll out, people across the political spectrum may have to rethink their long-held beliefs. For the royalists, it's that Harry and Meghan were the worst things to happen to the Royal Family since the Duke of Windsor said, "Hi, Hitler!" to his charming host. Which, in their heart of hearts, they likely defend,

Remember, this was Queen Elizabeth's
favorite son.

For the left, it's that the crazy QAnon cult might not have been so crazy after all. Remember guffawing when they warned about an international sex/pedophile ring involving the world's elite? I sure do. It's like learning there really is a Santa Claus, only instead of children receiving gifts, they're being trafficked to the highest bidder. 

When I use the word "elite", it has nothing to do with education. For how stupid does one have to be not to wonder why your best friend is constantly snapping photos of you, preferably in the kind of compromising positions that two-bit private eyes would trade their best fedoras for? 

I didn't think anything could top Prince Andrew Andrew Mountbatten Windsor proudly pawing the prone body of a young woman -- or girl, perhaps? -- while making sure Jeffrey Epstein or one of his minions snapped away from various angles.

"Does it turn you on when I
commit treason, luvvie?"

But then came Peter Mandelson, the UK's Ambassador to the US, chatting with another young woman --or girl, perhaps? -- while clad only in a t-shirt and tighty-whities. Did it not occur to Mandelson to ask, "Hang on, mate, what's going on here?" 

Or had his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein gone so far from what is considered a normal friendship that he realized it was already too late to protest the most embarrassing image since your high school senior class photo? 

And talk about stupid -- this was the third time in his political career that Mendelson had been caught giving inside economic information to an American billionaire. It's good to know Prime Minister Kier Starmer is right up there with Donald Trump when it comes to hiring the best of the best. 

Woody and Soon-Yi follow their master in a rare
moment of sunshine.

Let's be fair, it isn't just the Brits who are up to their Wellies in Muck a la Epstein. Woody
Allen can no longer pretend to be just a regular schnook who spends his evenings listening to Benny Goodman 78s while banging out scripts on a 1960s manual typewriter. Not when he spent many wonderful evenings in Epstein's New York mansion he nicknamed "Castle Dracula" due to the "young women" roaming around. Did the Woodman not get the note that Epstein had served time for pedophilia in 2008? 

Let us, too, allow a moment of scrutiny of Woody's beloved Soon-Yi Previn's text to Jeffrey Epstein regarding Anthony Weiner's sexual hijinks with a 15-year-old girl:

Highlights for the TLDR crowd: I also thought it was disgusting what the 15-year-old did to him. She knew exactly what she was doing to him. What is her excuse for being a miserable human being?  And misspelling "weak" as "week".

This would actually make for a good Woody Allen movie! Can't you just picture Woody's character reacting to the New York Times publishing this correspondence? "What are you, crazy, I-I-I don't believe this!" Cue "Sing Sing Sing" as we see him pouring over every newspaper he can lay his hands on.

Alas, self-serious college students must be twisting themselves into intellectual pretzels as they ponder how their very own Plato, Noam Chomsky, hung with Jeffrey Epstein, billionaire enemy of the proletariat. 

No way is Chomsky going to fly coach with the
lowly working class.

They're not going to be able to explain this away Bill Maher-style by thinking It's good when opposing sides speak to each other. Not when Chomsky advises his private-jet-owning pal on how to handle the bad press surrounding his sex crimes:

" [...] the horrible way you are being treated in the press and public. It's painful to say, but I think the best way to proceed is to ignore it. What the vultures clearly want is a public response, which then provides a public opening of venomous attacks, many from just publicity seekers or cranks of all sorts -- which are impossible to answer." 

This is friend-to-the-workers Noam Chomsky advising one of the hated nomenklatura nine years after Epstein's sex conviction. His response to questions regarding their friendship -- "It is none of your business" -- is richer than Epstein. Had anyone else responded in such a way to their connection to a billionaire sex offender, Chomsky would have been on his high red horse like the Lone Ranger. 

"What, me worry?"

Not to worry, nobody is going to pay a price. Not Trump, Woody, Noam, Andrew, nobody. Unless you consider Andrew moving out of his house or Trump being on the receiving end of a toothless Saturday Night Live sketch or Woody not getting nominated for an Oscar or Noam not getting the Hasty Pudding Club award. 

We must all sadly admit QAnon might have been on to something. Now when will JFK, Jr. return to the grassy knoll as promised?

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WINDSORS IN KNOTS

You can say that again, Your
Highness.

When future historians study the Royal Family, the general consensus will be, That lot sure 
went to shit after Queen Elizabeth died. And while cracks were showing earlier, once she went to that palace in the sky, everything fell apart faster than Neville Chamberlain's "peace in our time" promise. Elizabeth was the glue who held The Firm together -- until the first good storm washed everything away. 

Scandals, secrets, divorce, backstabbing, and bad Photoshop: if this was what Prince Charles and Prince William meant by wanting to "modernize" the Royal Family, they sure got it, and how! Royals: they're just like us! 

Wasn't that the whole idea?

I never paid attention to the British monarchy until Harry decided to quit his job and throw the family under the coach, while demanding to keep his job title and salary.  Whatever the Protestant Anglican word for chutzpah is, he's got plenty of it. 

From that point on, Harry & Co. became my real-life soap opera. And as in any good soap opera story, things really started to go haywire with the passing of the boss who was running the business so long that the underlings never really got an idea of how to keep it going. They even have their own "Erica Kane" in Meghan Markle, the woman that audiences love to hate. 

Crikey! Kate's face... is the same as Kate's face!

Yet they're so inept at the old soap opera stand-by "serious illness" that it's become the cause for conspiracy theories. No wonder Queen Elizabeth preferred the company of corgis to her own flesh and blood. If she hadn't died of "old age" (or whatever it really was, wink wink), surely this current drama would have done her in. 

We've got Morning Joe, they've got
Afternoon Teatime with Crumpets. 

Yes, I admit that over the last two months I've become more familiar with the talking heads on British news shows than their American equivalents. Other than the snooty Piers Morgan, however, I know them only by their faces. The guy with the upbrushed gray hair. The guy who looks like George Arliss' great-uncle. The woman complaining about Kate's Photoshop while sitting in a phony living room allegedly overlooking Buckingham Palace. Even the name of the latter's show, Palace Confidential, couldn't be more blatant regarding its real mission. 

The best part is that all of them boast of their love and respect for the Royals while shamelessly gossiping, speculating, and tut-tutting them. Classy British news folks -- they're just like us! 

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