The results of the Program for International Student Assessment were released yesterday. Among the 34 countries participating, the United States ranked 26th in mathematics and 17th in reading, both down from the previous year.
When asked for a comment, Brad Lanes, spokesman for the United Federation of Teachers, told reporters, "No doubt, these scores are a disappointment for us all, and it's time for officials to stop passing the buck. Teachers across the U.S. have come to the same conclusion: students are just too damn stupid."
"I mean, look," Lanes added while chewing a jelly doughnut, "America spends more on education per student than any other country. We load them with hours of homework every night. They take all kinds of tests -- SATs, ACTs, every possible alphabetical combination. The teachers themselves have a great union that by and large protects them from nosy outsiders telling them how to do their job. And what happens? The kids still suck the big one. But somehow it's always the teacher's fault. Well, I think this should put that canard to rest once and for all." Waving a coffee-stained graph in front of TV cameras, Lanes pointed out the worldwide statistics. "Have you seen the countries with smarter kids? Lithuania. What the hell is that all about? When was the last time you even heard of Lithuania? Or the -- what is it -- the Russian Federation. Russian Federation of what, for Christ's sakes? And the Slovak Republic -- that sounds like the name of some indie movie actor. And yet our kids are stupider than theirs. Now do you see what American teachers have to put up with?"
When asked if there was anything parents could do to help, Lanes nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah. Stop having children. Or at least stupid children. That's the only way teachers can do their jobs." ***************
Proof that a higher education pays off in the end.
I recently took my 16 year-old daughter on a tour of a couple of colleges. We got a pretty good idea of what we could expect -- a lifetime of college loan repayments. Both schools admitted tuition didn't come cheap, but that we should look at it as an "investment."
Oh so? I thought the whole idea of "investments" is that, in theory anyway, they eventually turn a profit to the investor. But as my broker reminds me at the end of every phone call, my principal is subject to loss. So why should higher education be any different? Look what my diploma got me: a blog.
That's me in the last row on the far right.
Just from two tours, I could tell college is certainly different than it was when I was sleeping through American History (not just the class, but the real thing). The broadcasting departments, for example, feature state-of-the-art equipment that allow the students to produce their own news shows, soap operas, sitcoms and the like. Considering what TV has become, they might as well skip the soap operas and skip straight to the reality shows about overweight hoarders with bratty children who are on the lam from airport security.
The guides boasted of a student population involved in everything from physics to public service. All I saw were kids tossing around Frisbees while others withdrew their parents' cash from an onsite ATM before going into the college-owned food court featuring every chain from Starbucks to Subway to Domino's Pizza. There were the usual fraternities, of course, like Eata Smegma Pi and Grabba Girla Dae. Somewhere between the compost station and the wi-fi laundry room, I think classes were mentioned, too, but I can't be sure.
Apropos of nothing, I hate this shit.
But at least the kids looked nice enough and, even better, normal. No signs of political strife or cultural warfare. This wasn't the case for the college that another couple had toured with their son. The first thing they learned was that some students might not identify with their sex; therefore, the words "he" and "she" are inherently sexist, and have been replaced by "ze." And faculty being what it is today -- Whatever the kids do is OK because we don't want anyone's feelings to get hurt -- this is considered not only acceptable but desirable. And they say college doesn't prepare you for the real world!
This whole "ze" business, aside from reeking of undeniable stupidity, is ready-made for interesting conversation over late-night beers at the campus pub:
"I was talking to Bob and Mary today." "What's up with them?" "Well, ze told me that ze is transferring to another school." "Really? What does ze think about it?" "Well, ze's not happy about it, but -- and this is what ze told me later -- ze was told by everybody else that ze had to accept it." "Ze's right." "Yeah, but so's ze." "Yeah, I hadn't thought of that."
If it's good enough for Tom Poston...
I don't know where this leaves possessives. "His" and "hers" seem equally sexist, as do "zis" and "zers." If it didn't already have another meaning, "zits" would seem to be the logical choice (using "logical" very loosely.) Perhaps they should go with "zotz," since, as Tom Poston knew, it's the magic word for fun. And brother, fun is something these maniacs need more of. A lot more. I mean, like getting laid for any reason other than as a political statement.
Otherwise, why stop at he and she? Let's go the whole hog and eliminate names. "Hank" sounds more masculine than "Betsy," for example, so it's best to replace them with, say, "Menu" and "Wristwatch." Too bad those names can be easily considered politically incorrect. Better make it "Vegetarian Menu" and "Non-Blood Diamond Wristwatch."
Uh oh. Diamonds are associated in our sexist society with women, so we can't have that. Better make it "Hourglass." Except there's that old saw about women with hourglass figures. A simple "Clock" sounds too much like a certain masculine-oriented slang -- wait, isn't "orient" racist? Make that "masculine-Asianed" slang.
Where was I? Ah, the new name for Betsy. "Time Piece"? Uh uh. Haven't you ever heard how men degrade women by calling them "a piece"? There's always "Sundial"... if the first syllable didn't sound exactly like "son," thus paying homage to our sick, paternalistic society. The bastards always win in the end, don't they?
Forget about identifying with my sex. I'm having a hard enough time identifying with with my species. *********************** Today's ze-obsessed college students could learn a thing or two from this 1960s Folger's Coffee commercial:
The results of the Program for International Student Assessment were released yesterday. Among the 34 countries participating, the United States ranked 26th in mathematics and 17th in reading, both down from the previous year.
