BREAKING NEWS: 9/30/15

Republican presidential candidate and current Ohio Governor John Kasich has said that he will sign a bill that allows women to undergo an abortion only for state-approved reasons.

Kaisch reiterated his belief that abortions should be legal "only when the political life of a Republican is at stake."

The expected Oscar nominee subjects for 2016 are expected to include lesbians and pedophiles.

No word yet, however, on what the characters they're playing are going to be.




CNN has confirmed that former Rhode Island Governor and Senator Lincoln Chafee will take part in the first Democratic presidential debate next month.

CNN spokesman Brad Lanes added, "Senator Chafee will bring his unique perspective on refilling the water glasses for the other candidates."

A former captive of ISIS says that the terrorist group is harvesting healthy organs, including kidneys and corneas, from its prisoners.

Planned Parenthood immediately opened a job recruitment center in Baghdad.



When asked about Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump during an interview on CNN, Bill Clinton said that you "can't insult your way to White House."

Clinton added, "You gotta do what Hillary does, and lie your way there."

Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush claimed that African-Americans vote for Democrats because the party offers them "free stuff."

Bush added, "At least Republican donors know they have to pay upfront for the tax breaks we give them."


A Facebook page called "No Hymen, No Diamond" has been set up by "male rights activists" urging women to practice abstinence before marriage.

A sight set up by single women opposing them has been titled, "No Brains, No Head."


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BREAKING NEWS: 9/29/15

Researchers at North Carolina State University have discovered that fingerprints reveal if you're of European or African descent.

When asked why just looking at someone's skin color wouldn't be easier, Dr. Brad Lanes said, "That would be racist."

Carly Fiorina has come out in favor of waterboarding, the 9/11-era 'enhanced interrogation' technique that a Senate committee last year called 'brutal' and a form of torture.

Asked why she supported such a controversial stand, Fiorina said, "It worked at HP."

Researchers in China claim that the sex-enhancement drug Viagra could also be used to successfully lose weight.

They warn, however, that anyone remaining thin for more than four hours should consult a doctor.

A new biography of Hillary Clinton claims that she agreed to her husband's suggestion that she undergo plastic surgery before running for president, but only if it was done in her office.

During the procedure, Bill Clinton is reported to have selflessly visited the plastic surgeon's office to keep the receptionist company.

Audiences who have watched the first screenings of The Walk, a 3D-Imax movie about French daredevil Philippe Petit's highwire act between the Twin Towers in 1974, have been left physically sick, with many viewers throwing up in the aisles.

Theatre manager Spence Waugh told reporters, "I haven't seen a reaction like this since I ran the last Nicholas Cage movie."

In a new interview with Complex, Justin Beiber says, "I just wanna honestly live like Jesus."

In response, millions of people have offered to drive him out to the desert before nailing him to a cross.





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H 2 UGH

"Ha! Watch me spit in this -- nobody'll know!"

It's good to know that not all the kooks call the Republican party their home. Democratic Representative Bob Brady from Philadelphia made sure of that.

When Pope Francis addressed the Congress last week, he took several sips of water to wet his sacrosanct whistle. That was just too tempting for Brady, who grabbed the glass afterwards.

For most people, that would be enough of a souvenir, even if you couldn't prove the Pope had touched it. (I doubt his fingerprints or DNA are on file at Homeland Security, nor is he known to give autographs.) This wasn't Brady's first brush with petty larceny, having swiped President Obama's glass after his inauguration. This time, however, he took the next "logical" step.

"Hey... is that spit I taste?"

After returning to his office, Brady proceeded to drink the same water, before allowing his staff and family to do so as well. Not that they were allowed to touch the glass themselves. Brady held it, like a priest offering the wine to his congregation. And I thought Democrats were the separation-of-church-and-state party.

This is how Brady picks up women.

So at least four people drank the same water from the same glass that, moments earlier, had been drunk from by a complete stranger who had just flown in from Cuba after flying 5,000 miles from Rome. 

Holiness aside, doesn't this seem a little gross? It's not like they were dying of thirst in the middle of Death Valley and had no choice but to share the glass. And it's unlikely that Brady turned it so that he and the others each had an untouched part of the rim. No, it was one mouth-print atop the another.

I went to a college where beer was more plentiful than tap water, and nobody was drunk enough to share it with anyone other than their significant other. And even then you drank from the other side. It didn't matter where your mouths were going to be later than night -- you drank from the untouched side of the plastic cup. 

Given the chance, Brady would probably
drink that water, too.

Now, we know that Francis is keen on kissing every baby, old lady and unfortunate child that he can plant his papal pucker on. You cannot tell me that he isn't exposed to more germs than you can find at your average salad bar in the Bronx. He'd have to brush his teeth with 20 Mule Team Borax to clean that mouth.

And that's not the half of it. Do you know the kinds of diseases you can pick up just on a plane? A quick Google check is all you need:

Researchers collected old airplane parts and tested how long Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (the dreaded MRSA) and E. Coli can survive on common plane surfaces such as the armrest, plastic tray table, metal toilet button, window shade, seat pocket cloth, and leather. They found that MRSA, a potentially deadly infection, can last for an entire week on material from the seat-back pocket. And E. coli, which can lead to severe anemia and kidney failure, is able to survive for four days on the material from the armrest. Porous surfaces, such as cloth material, are an especially hospitable environment for germs, they found.

"I'll just pretend I'm drinking it."

I got sick just doing a copy and paste of that paragraph. I don't care if Francis flew on a private plane -- germs don't know coach from first class.

Remember, he allowed these photos
to be taken and distributed to the public

Let's review. A guy travels half-way around the world and drops by for a couple of days. Some other guy here steals his water glass and drinks from it, pathogen be damned. Then at least three more partake from the same microbe-ridden vessel. And each of them is subjected to the same bacteria from the persons before him or her. 

What were they trying to prove with this stunt? If Brady was from California, I'd understand. They'll take a glass of water anywhere they can find it these days. But Philadelphia? That's taking Brotherly Love too far.

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BREAKING NEWS: 9/24/15

In remarks that astonished his followers round the world, the Dalai Lama has said that while he would be happy for a woman to take over his role, "That female must be attractive, otherwise it is not much use."

Roger Ailes commented, "That's been our motto at Fox News forever."

WGN-TV News in Chicago caused an uproar when it used a star the Nazis forced Jews to wear during the Holocaust for a news story about Yom Kippur. 

"We sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended," said WGN news director Jimmy Schicklgruber.

In related news, Marco Rubio held a fund-raiser on Yom Kippur at the home of  GOP donor Harlan Crow, whose home includes two paintings by Adolf Hitler, a signed copy of Hitler's autobiography Mein Kampf, and a cabinet full of place settings and linens used by the Nazi leader.
Asked to comment, Rubio said, "I dunno, I just took him for a former Trump supporter."

The London Telegraph reports that more people have died by taking selfies this year than from shark attacks.

Coincidentally, there has been a dramatic rise in New Yorkers handing out selfie sticks to tourists at rush hour.

The new Lammily line of dolls, considered a more realistic alternative to Barbie, has now launched a Period Party set that includes pad and liner stickers, tiny underwear, a calendar, dot stickers to keep track of a menstruation cycle and an informational pamphlet.

Also included are miniature pots and pans for the doll to throw at her boyfriend when he looks at her the wrong way until it passes.

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BREAKING NEWS: 9/21/15

Despite complaints from Bernie Sanders and Martin O'Malley, and being heckled at a party convention over the weekend, DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz refused to change her commitment to only six debates for the Democratic presidential candidates. 

Shortly afterwards, Wasserman Schultz's family members were released frightened but unharmed from a house in Chappaqua. 

Speaking to a group of high school students in Des Moines, Iowa, Donald Trump advised them, "You have to go and follow what you love, you have to do it. And you just have to follow your heart and you'll be successful." 

"Look at me," he said. "I always wanted to be a narcissistic asshole, and here I am!"




Former NBC News anchor Brian Williams walked his daughter Allison down the aisle at her wedding at a 15-acre ranch in Saratoga, Wyoming over the weekend.

Following the ceremony, Williams toasted the couple by announcing that he designed Allison's dress and landscaped the ranch before his plane was almost shot down when flying to the wedding.




Gwyneth Paltrow, who used the phrase "conscious uncoupling" when referring to her divorce from Chris Martin, is now referring to her ex-husband as her "wasband."

In return, Martin no longer uses the word "ex-wife," and simply refers to Paltrow as "the biggest lunatic I ever met."

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BREAKING NEWS: 9/15/15

Gary Richrath, former guitarist for REO Speedwagon, died Sunday. He was 65.

His death marks the first time anybody ever knew the name of anyone in REO Speedwagon.

NASA revealed that astronauts create 180 pounds of excrement that burns up in the atmosphere annually.

That amount, NASA admits, still doesn't come within light-years to the amount of excrement that Congress creates that burn up on C-SPAN.





Hillary Clinton said making Bill Clinton her vice presidential running mate 'has crossed my mind,' but conceded it wouldn't be possible.

"For one thing," she explained, "that would mean sleeping together every night."

A perfect storm of Bible prophecies, the Hebrew calendar, the stock market jitters, a blood moon, and an author who claims to have had a near-death experience are all convincing Utah Mormon survivalists that the world is coming to an end this month.

It doesn't help, say the survivalists, that Donald Trump is at 40% in the polls.




On the latest episode of the reality series Project Greenlight, Matt Damon explained to African-American producer Effie Brown that it's important to consider diversity in casting, but not producing, directing or writing.

"However," Damon admitted, "they make for great housekeepers, chauffeurs and shoeshine boys."

Devo singer/bassist Jerry Casale, 67, married Krista Napp, 26, last week on September 11. The reception featured a wedding cake in the shape of the World Trade Center, while each guest was given a box cutter as a souvenir. 

Casale told reporters, "Krista and I are thrilled, not just to have gotten married, but to have held this event in Santa Monica instead of New York, where they would have kicked our asses from here to Saudi Arabia."









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CRAZY BABY

True story #1: When I was very young -- like seven years old -- I excitedly ran into the kitchen to tell my mother and brother what I just saw on the news: "Somebody filmed a helicopter as it was spinning out of control and crashed on the ground. But someone inside the helicopter had a movie camera going, and you could see what it was like from there, too!" While I knew I should have empathy for the victims, I showed none whatsoever.

True story #2: Around the same age, I went around the house conducting a survey among my family: "Would you rather be shot, stabbed, hung or electrocuted?" Their identical responses -- wide-eyed, silent astonishment -- wasn't one of the choices I offered.

Question to the audience: Was I just a kid with unusual interests, or were these signs of psychopathic behavior? Researchers in Great Britain might have the answer:

Two recent psychological studies have found ways of spotting whether young children are vulnerable of becoming psychopaths, suggesting that parents don’t have total control over their offspring’s callous or cruel behavior.

"Who you callin' cute, asshole?"

In other words, parents now can say, "Hey, it ain't my fault my kid stuck your cat's tail in the electric outlet," and mean it. And the great thing is, you can spot what are called callous-unemotional (or CU) traits in kids as young as five weeks. 

Five weeks counts as barely-used. That easily gives you the right to exchange the kid for a new one. 

But how does an anxious parent find out if their precious darling is a junior Manson without having him listen to "Helter Skelter"?

Infants who preferred to look at a human face, rather than an inanimate red ball, were less likely to develop CU traits as a toddler, according to the study published in Biological Psychiatry.

I prefer to watch old B-movies than look at most human faces I encounter during a typical day. I should've been locked up years ago.

Luckily, parents with kids who stare at balls still have a chance:

The UK study found that if a mother responds more sensitively to her baby during playtime, the child is less likely to display callous unemotional behavior as a toddler. 

Memo to cops: beware the baby with a 5:00 shadow.

So all a good mother has to do is act like, er, a good mother? Where would be without researchers to explain the secrets of parenting? 

As one of them explained,  "We coach the parents how to be very warm, involved and loving with them to see if that reduces those callous traits over time.”

I'm not a researcher, but I think I can safely say that if you have to coach a parent to be warm, involved and loving, then you might as well try to coach Hillary Clinton how to be warm, spontaneous and funny. Oh wait, that's what her advisers are doing. I guess parents have a chance after all.

As far as I'm concerned, new parents don't have to drop off their kid at the lab to see if he's another Richard Speck. I've compiled a list of telltale signs to let you know if opening a 529 is waste of time. Just circle all that apply to your baby:

Soils himself on a regular basis.

Mumbles gibberish.

Drools.

Often cries for no goddamn good reason.

Takes toys away from others without permission.

Demands constant attention.

Often refuses to eat healthy food.

Appears to play one parent against the other in his preferences.
Never does what you want him to do.

Thinks the Muppets are real.

If you circled at least eight of these signs, you might as well call the cops now. Because if those don't qualify as proof of psychopathic behavior, I don't know what does.

So would you rather be shot, stabbed, hung or electrocuted?

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BREAKING NEWS: 9/10/15

The Al-Qaeda magazine Inspire is urging its readers to kill  American billionaires including the Koch Brothers, Sheldon Adelson, and Jim Walton. 

In response, Democratic National Committee leader Debbie Wasserman-Schultz said, "I condemn al-qaeda's statement. They should come up with their own platform instead of ripping off ours."

Former Olympic champion Suzy Favor Hamilton admits that an undiagnosed bipolar disorder created her "biggest high" as a sex addict.

In related news, pharmacies have recorded an increase in husbands cancelling their wives' Thorazine prescriptions.

A downtown New York police captain wants to push the hot-dog vendors who surround the World Trade Center further from the site because their carts could be used to hide explosive devices.

An anonymous worker in the area agreed. "If they haven't eaten one of these hot dogs, they don't know what an explosive device is."

George Pataki told CNN he would have fired Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, if she worked for him.

Pataki was then asked, "And you are...?"

Italian fashion brand Valentino posted a photo of two pairs of its latest shoes that appeared to be in the shape of a swastika.

When asked why he placed the shoes that way, the photographer said, "I was only following orders."

The New York Times has come under fire from Jewish organizations for launching a website aimed at tracking how Jewish lawmakers are voting on the Iran nuclear agreement.

A spokesman said there was nothing anti-Semitic about the site, before leaving for a sale on Valentino shoes.


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BREAKING NEWS: 9/9/15

The New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said in an interview that before the start of the last nine football seasons he's read The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Mexican shaman Don Miguel Ruiz.

The four agreements are: Leave your wife and children for a supermodel; deflate the footballs before each game; make sure you steal the signals from the opposing team; and wear plenty of moisturizer to maintain that "pretty boy" look.


Police in Waco, Texas pulled a loaded handgun from a woman’s vagina late Monday evening after a traffic stop led to a drug bust, officials said.

When asked what it was doing there, she explained that it was easier to reach than her rectum.

An alternative medicine conference has ended in chaos after dozens of delegates took a LSD-like drug and started suffering from hallucinations, leading the 29 men and women “staggering around, rolling in a meadow, talking gibberish and suffering severe cramps”.

The delegates claimed that drugs weren't involved, and instead had taken part in a Mike Huckabee rally.

In the latest drama involving Viacom and Sumner Redstone, the 92-year-old executive chairman has split with his live-in girlfriend, Sydney Holland, 43.

As Redstone explained, "Once women hit their 40s, they lose all their sex appeal."






After six months of stonewalls and denials, Hillary Clinton told ABC News' David Muir that she was "sorry" about her handling of the email scandal.

Afterwards, the network charged Ms. Clinton for the "kicking and screaming" damage done to the set and the audio equipment.


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BREAKING NEWS: 9/8/15

After being cleared of cheating in connection to the "Deflategate" scandal, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady thanked his fans for their support "throughout this challenging experience," adding, "I am sorry our league had to endure this... I am also sorry to anyone whose feelings I may have hurt as I tried to work to resolve this situation."

Brady was referring to his wife Gisele Bundchen visiting team practice without wearing makeup.

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton admitted to MSNBC to being "bothered" by a recent poll where the first word voters thought of when hearing her name was "liar."

"Frankly," she said, "I was hoping nobody could tell."

A security guard at the Oakland branch of Whole Foods grabbed a shopper who was trying to pay for his groceries, before slamming him against concrete pillars, putting him in a chokehold, then restraining, suffocating, and throwing him on the pavement. 

Whole Foods spokesman Pete Smith told reporters, "Let that be a lesson: when you're in the blue lane, you stay in the blue lane!"

A woman has claimed that small pieces of rolled up paper are being sold as rice on the streets of China, according to local news sources. She says that while eating lunch with her family, she bit into a tightly rolled piece of paper that was disguised in a bowl of cooked rice. 

"The next thing you know," the woman grumbled, "they're going to be serving us chicken instead of cat!"

Dr. Walter Palmer, the Minnesota dentist reviled for shooting Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe, now says he wouldn't have done so "if I had known this lion had a name."  

"From now on," he added, "I'm going to stick to clubbing baby seals. They don't have names."




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