LEADING BY BAD EXAMPLE

I'm with you, bros. 

The worst thing about having low platelets, outside of the possibility of spontaneously bleeding from my pores if I don't take my meds, is no longer being able to enjoy a beer or glass of wine with dinner. Alcohol, I learned, is a blood-thinner, and mine is more than thin enough.

Just when you thought Corona 
couldn't be more bland.

Over time I found non-alcoholic beers that tasted more or less like the real thing. Good Mexican restaurants were able to whip up virgin margaritas that would have fooled me had I not known. But... whenever the best reviews of a red wine say it's "easy to drink" and "not overly sweet", I know it's one or two steps above Hi-C, so a faux vino is out-o.

After a year and a half, my desire for the real thing has abated somewhat. While I've adjusted to the faux beers, I still get a physical twinge of envy when watching Stanley Tucci enjoying a good red on his watch-me-eat-Italian-food series. And at times I would gladly trade a few thousand platelets for a couple of real frozen margaritas. 

So -- does this make me a potential alcoholic? Apparently, I already was one before being forced to clean up and my act. But don't think that lets you off the hook. Just look at the headline of Discovery magazine's recent online scolding: Social Drinking Could Mask Alcoholism, or Provoke Problem Drinking. 

Wipe those smiles off your faces!

Now wait a minute, you demand. I thought drinking alone was the problem. No, you're the problem. The article states, "While solitary drinking might serve as a useful early indicator of alcohol use disorder risk […] research suggests that individuals reliably consume more alcohol in social contexts than when alone." I

Cripes, there's no winning with these people. And by "these people", I mean Discovery's source, Current Directions in Psychological Science. The current issue includes such hard-hitting pieces as "The Development of Dance in Early Childhood", which sounds like a parody of a scientific study: "Dancing to music is prevalent to human cultures. It is also developmentally precocious -- most children display dance-like behaviors before their first birthday. This early emergence precedes a long maturational trajectory with broad individual differences..." 

Oh my God, why is my baby behaving
like this?!

Come on, doc! Can't we just enjoy our toddlers jumping up and down to "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" without freaking analyzing it?

Another piece, "Interdependent Minds: Quantifying the Dynamics of Successful Social Interactions" might as well be retitled, "Yo, How Do People Become Friends?" To which my diagnosis is Having shared interests. No wonder why so many of these journals fall for satiric articles passed off as the real thing -- the stupider it sounds, the more likely it's taken seriously.

Social drinking can mask alcoholism. Why not Dining out with friends can mask overeating? Or Driving cars can lead to accidents? Maybe Jogging could provoke charley horses? Good Lord, anything can lead to anything, anything can hide anything! It reminds me of the very old joke about two psychiatrists passing each other. One says, "Hello". The other thinks, Hmm. I wonder why he said that.

Here's a piece someone should write: Overanalyzing Stuff Can Lead to Derisive Laughter. No need to have that peer reviewed.

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